Writing Rehab: How to Fix Glee’s Female Characters (and also Finn)

Another season of Glee has passed, and after another year of frustratingly nonsensical storylines and characterization that changed with every episode, I am almost ready to throw in the towel.   Almost.  Unfortunately (and fortunately), this show has me hooked but good as long as Kurt, Santana, and Blaine are around.  If I could, I would request a “queer characters only” edit of season 2.  Alas, the technology has not yet been invented.

I wish I could quit Glee.  I really do.  Two aspects of the show’s writing really grate my cheese: 1) the nonsensical storylines/characterization and 2) the portrayal of the female characters.  Now, I can forgive ridiculous plot contrivances as long as the comedic payoff is strong.  Season 1’s “Vitamin D” is still one of my favorite episodes, in spite and because of the complete lack of realism involved in making Terri the school nurse.  I didn’t care that Terri would never be able to become a school nurse in real life because the kids bouncing around and singing while hopped up on goofballs was hilarious and one of the best satirical episodes the show has ever done.  This year, the plot contrivances led to ridiculous, pandering theme episodes (the Britney Spears tongue-bathing, the Rocky Horror tribute) or sentimental manipulative garbage (let’s kill off Sue’s sister because we don’t know what else to do with this character!)  I don’t expect realism as long as the emotions ring true and/or the episodes are funny, but too many episodes this year fell short for me (“Blame it on the Alcohol” being a hilarious exception).

Then we have the women.  Oh boy.  I can’t tell you how many times the writing for the female characters (and Finn) has annoyed me this year.  Instead of writing a long complaint, though, I’ve decided to take a more positive approach and provide possible solutions.  Here are my suggestions for improving the writing of the female characters of Glee (and Finn).

1. Let the girls be friends with each other.
This show likes to be preachy, and if I were to infer a stronger message about friendships, I would learn that boys can put any grudges behind them to be friends, but girls are always five seconds away from trying to stab each other in the back.  Finn and Puck resolved the fact that Puck hooked up with two of Finn’s girlfriends through a hallway conversation and a fist-bump.  Rachel and Quinn reach an accord one week and are back at each other’s throats the week after.  Rachel and Mercedes alternate between being friends and rivals every other week.  Mercedes and Quinn’s friendship that developed in the first season was completely dropped.

Writers, let the girls be friends with each other.  I saw how the three ex-Cheerios bonded in the hotel room in the season finale.  I like the prospect of Quinn and Santana becoming real friends and not just frenemies, with sweet Brittany providing a bridge to that end.  I’d like to see Quinn and Mercedes resume their friendship, and more bonding among Mercedes, Kurt, and Rachel.

2. Competition. Solos. For. Mercedes. And. Tina.
The writers listened to the fans complain that Lea Michele dominated all of the solos in the first season.  They spread the wealth a little more in the second season, dividing solos and leads.  But, writers?  Mercedes and Tina singing leads and solos in front of empty auditoriums and in plays that get canceled is NOT, in fact, the same thing as singing a solo or lead at Sectionals, Regionals, or Nationals.  It is beyond ridiculous that Amber Riley and Jenna Uskhowitz have yet to sing a solo or lead in competition.  They are two of the best singers in the cast.

3. Don’t brush away Quinn’s issues with a cute haircut.  Give her a hobby.
Yes, Quinn’s haircut is adorable.  That doesn’t mean all of her problems have gone away.  Quinn had a near breakdown this year, obsessing over prom queen and being popular.  I got the sense that she was repressing her trauma from the previous year and trying to resume her old life.  Maybe that’s even why she stopped being friends with Mercedes, having to cut off contact with anyone who was too close to the pregnancy.

Have Quinn confront these issues head-on.  Better yet, have her apologize to Finn for deceiving him throughout the pregnancy.  Then have her find another hobby.  No more whining about prom queen.  I want Quinn Fabray to use her senior year to construct a new hobby, a new ambition for herself.  I don’t care if she runs for class president instead, discovers another form of artistic expression outside of glee club, or goes punk rock goth, but she needs to do SOMETHING different.  Please.

4. Let’s talk about sex, Tina Cohen-Chang-style.
Most of the women on the show have unfortunate hang-ups about sex.  Emma and Rachel are virgins and feel bad about it.  Quinn had sex once and feels bad about it.  Mercedes only recently stopped feeling bad about herself because she finally has a boyfriend.  Santana and Brittany have very mixed-up feelings about sex and their sexual identities.  Their issues are being explored well, but it’s unfortunate that Santana had sex with boys out of a need for power and control, and doesn’t feel comfortable feeling open about her feelings for Brittany.  Brittany didn’t know that lesbian sex was still cheating.  Lauren wanted to make a sex tape, and I know we’re supposed to think that it was “funny” and “gutsy” and “sassy” of her, but all it told me is that she has extremely unhealthy views about sex.

Tina, on the other hand, seems to be in a sexually active relationship with a boy she not only loves, but likes.  And there’s no guilt about it.  No hang-ups, no guilt, no second-guessing herself.  Just affection and fun.  Screw Holly Holliday; I want Tina Cohen-Chang to give a sex talk to the girls and reassure them that it’s fine to be a virgin, it’s fine to have sex, as long as the girls make decisions based on what makes them comfortable.  I don’t expect the girls’ hang-ups to go away in an instant, but at least this talk will get them thinking.

5. Throw a fifth wheel in with Finn/Rachel.
I spent an entire season watching Rachel believe she wasn’t good enough for Finn.  I spent an entire season watching Finn the coward sit quietly while Santana ripped into his girlfriend, and get mad at Rachel for being upset about Santana.  I spent an entire season watching Finn dick two different girls around, and only show interest in them when another guy (Sam, Jesse St. James) was dating them.  I spent an entire season watching Rachel shred her self-respect and dignity to moon after a boy.

Now, writers, you want to tell me that those weren’t real issues at all, and the REAL problem is that Rachel is a city mouse and Finn a country mouse?  Now, instead of watching Rachel moon after Finn all season, I’m going to have to watch Finn prove himself to be “good enough” for Rachel all season long?  Swell.  Just swell.  Clearly Finn is going to be a Grade A asshole if he doesn’t base his entire future and life goals on Rachel’s Broadway dreams.

At this point, it is physically impossible for me to enjoy Finn and/or Rachel.  There is, however, a way to make me not hate them: put them in a lot of scenes with Kurt.  They are only likable when they’re interacting with him.  I hate Finn for the way he treats his girlfriends, but I loved him when he enthusiastically complimented Kurt’s prom outfit: “Dude, that’s awesome!  It’s like a gay Braveheart!”  D’awww.  More of that, please.

6. Have Sue use evil for good instead of evil.
You went too far, writers.  You went too far.  Sue became a cartoon villain and her meanness just wasn’t funny anymore.  Then you decided to rehabilitate her by killing off her sister.  Because that’s not cheesy and manipulative, not one bit.

Now, how do you keep Sue on her path of righteousness without changing the character completely?  Have her scheme to help New Directions instead of hurting them.  Instead of sabotaging the glee club, have her sabotage other glee clubs.  She can try to lock up Vocal Adrenaline.  Will & the kids can win the first two competitions, not knowing that she helped them, and find out before Nationals so they can win on their own.  Problem solved.