Greetings! We are the writers of Game of Thrones, the popular HBO series based on George R.R. Martin’s fantasy series, A Song of Ice and Fire. Some of you may have been wondering, “How on Earth do the writers manage to condense an 800-page book into a 10-episode series?” Well, we’re here to share you our secrets. After we give you these three handy tips, you’ll be able to adapt a book to screen yourselves!
Tip #1: The more prostitutes, the better.
We at the writing staff of Game of Thrones are still really bummed that Deadwood was canceled after the third season. We loved that show. That show had prostitutes, and they were naked a lot. Remember the nakedness? Yeah, so do we. So, we are trying to emulate some of the values of the 1800s midwest in our show where the setting resembles medieval England. There were prostitutes in medieval England, right? Right.
Tip #2: Invent prostitutes where there are none.
Those of you who have read the book know that, any episode now, you will be meeting a prostitute named Shae. But who wants to wait eight episodes to meet a hooker? That’s seven whole episodes with fewer slurpy blowjob sounds, and fewer boobs! We can’t have that. Thus, we have created a character entirely for the series: a hooker named Roz. In the last few episodes she’s probably had as many lines as Catelyn. You’re welcome.
Tip #3: Prostitutes can be used as effective shorthand for characterization.
After Viserys Targaryen caressed his sister’s naked breast, sold her into sex slavery to get an army and a crown, and threatened to let the khal’s horses fuck her, we still weren’t quite sure you understood that the character is supposed to be a jerk. So that’s why we threw him in a tub with a naked Doreah so he could be mean to her, and you could FINALLY understand the point of this character. And, we weren’t quite sure how to get across the point that Theon Greyjoy is kind of a whiny shit who kind of resents the Starks; we thought it came across when Tyrion exposited this information to the audience and reminded Theon of who he was. But just in case, we included a scene where Roz mocks and teases him. (You know you’re ineffective when a prostitute tells you off, o snap!) Finally, even though we told the audience of Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish’s backstory twice before – he loved Catelyn Tully, she loved him like a brother, there was a duel for her honor that he lost, and now he’s a master manipulator – we just really wanted to reinforce that information by having him repeat the whole thing while he instructs Roz how to finger-fuck another prostitute. Because we’re certain you didn’t quite get it the first time.
Tip #4: Kids and direwolves are not as important as BOOBZ.
Remember Rickon Stark, the fifth Stark child? Younger brother to Robb, Sansa, Arya, and Bran? We don’t blame you because we only showed him briefly in the first episode. And remember the boys’ direwolves? Wait, you probably don’t remember those either, because only Snow (Jon’s wolf) has shown up recently. Well, that’s okay. The symbolism is totally not as important as NAKED LADIES.
Tip #5: It’s not objectification because gay sex.
We know a lot of ladies out there have their feminist opinions all twisted because they have no senses of humor and bathe in their own period blood or something, but look! A few episodes ago, we totally showed Renly Baratheon and Loras Tyrell getting it on! That was just alluded to in the book, but we actually included a scene with two men making sexytimes! See, now all complaints about objectifying women as a cheap substitute for real drama are invalidated, because gay sex! Nyaaahhhh!