Theresa Basile

Here are a few (paraphrased) Facebook status updates I’ve had to see on my news feed over the last few months:

“Why are you all complaining about Amy Winehouse’s death when a lot of people died in Norway? We only care about drug addicts but not innocent people?”

“Quit complaining about the change in the Facebook news feed. There are other REAL problems in this world!”

“Steve Jobs died and everyone’s sad but does anyone care about Fred Shuttlesworth?!”

I see that people put a lot of thought and emotion into these updates, but I’d like to offer a catch-all, stock status update to use whenever people feel outraged about how others use their social media platforms:

“I am a better person than the rest of you because of what I choose to write about in my Facebook status updates.”

Feel free to copy and paste that status any time you want. It’s so much easier than furiously typing different judgmental status updates about other people’s choices.

Yeah, the sanctimonious nature of these status updates annoy me. A LOT.

Why?

1. It’s the tone, stupid. I hesitate to criticize people’s “tone” when they write about important issues because criticizing tone is a classic antifeminist silencing technique: “I care about this issue too, but your tone is too strident, and you being an angry woman is just damaging your cause.” But you know what, I’m criticizing tone anyway because I think my particular gripe is different.

The other day, I posted a link on my Facebook wall about Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I wrote, “In addition to October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, it’s also Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This article is a really good read.” I suppose I could have written, “While all of you are planning your frivolous Halloween costumes, you SHOULD be talking about domestic violence and breast cancer,” but it’s funny – I thought that posting a judgmental accusation might turn people away from the message I was trying to send, rather than inviting them to read about an important issue.

2. We’re not always as informed as we think we are. I was moved, but not shocked, by Amy Winehouse’s death. I let out a gasp of surprise and held my hand to my chest when I read about Steve Jobs. I didn’t know who Fred Shuttlesworth was until I read about him on Shakesville and then thought, “Huh, he was an important activist. I’m going to read more about his accomplishments now.”

Clearly, I am a shallow, vain person who clearly cares more about entertainers and tech wizards than I do about important civil rights activists. Or maybe I knew more about Amy Winehouse and Steve Jobs because our media often intentionally uses entertainment to distract us from more complex social problems.

Or, alternately, one thing that Amy Winehouse, Steve Jobs, and Fred Shuttlesworth have in common is that they are all (Greendale) Human Beings who had lives and relationships worth honoring, and it seems supremely tacky to decide whose deaths “deserve” the most attention.

3. People grieve in different ways and for different reasons. Already, I’m seeing articles pop up all over the place talking about how Steve Jobs wasn’t God, and how people who are mourning him as though they lost their own family member are stupid.

Now, I understand this criticism to a point. Sometimes people are eulogized or turned into heroes when they die, and that’s not right. People deserve to be remembered for their positive traits and their flaws. Sanctifying the dead doesn’t do us any good.

However, Derek Jacobi may be “just” an actor and I have never met him personally, but I promise you that I will be a complete wreck when he dies. His performances have moved me deeply and I will ache whenever he passes. That doesn’t mean I think he’s a saint.

And while I understand the need to “not make someone else’s death all about you,” whenever I saw a snarky comment about people overreacting about Steve Jobs, it took all the self-control in my body not to furiously type, “The man died fucking YESTERDAY! When people who didn’t know him personally are still lighting candles and crying after a week, then we’ll talk.”

4. Not everyone has a direct brain-to-status-update link. Just because someone isn’t writing about the Norway deaths, or Occupy Wall Street, or cancer or AIDS or Imminent Death Syndrome doesn’t mean s/he doesn’t care about the cause. It just means s/he isn’t writing about it on Facebook.

That brings me to my final point.

5. For crap’s sake, it’s Facebook. If we can’t use our status updates to write about petty problems that get on our nerves, what can we use it for? Are we really going to judge moral character on what we write on a shallow, time-sucking social networking site?

If we are, then I am in deep trouble, y’all. At least half of my status updates involve fangirling Darren Criss or writing quotes from The Simpsons and A Very Potter Musical. I do post links about important social issues, too, but I don’t know if that’s enough to get me into Heaven! *frets*

Granted, you might be annoyed by other people’s status updates. That’s perfectly legitimate. My solution to that problem? Don’t read it. Ignore it. Or challenge the idea and start a conversation. But don’t tell people what they should or should not write about. It’s so patronizing.

And speaking of The Simpsons, I’ll wrap this up by paraphrasing Sideshow Bob: “By the way, I’m aware of the irony of being self-righteous about other people’s self-righteousness, so there’s no need to point it out.”

I wrote a post a long time ago about gendered insults and how we should avoid them. I stand by the opinion that it’s demeaning to insult a person based on sex and/or gender, and I’ve tried to adapt my normal language patterns. For the most part, I’ve taken to calling people “assholes” when I don’t like them, making the behavior, rather the person, the subject of my contempt.

That said, I still use the word “bitch” and the adjective “bitchy” much of the time…only now, I’m using them as compliments. I’ve used the word “bitch” as a compliment before, but now I (try to) use the word exclusively as a compliment.

Why do I do this? Isn’t calling women “bitches,” even in a complimentary way, just endangering the feminist cause? Isn’t it the equivalent to black people calling each other the “n-word?”

I’ll answer the second question first, since this question invariably comes up during these kinds of debates, and just say that I don’t feel qualified to judge whether or not black people should call each other the n-word, and I won’t feel qualified to make a judgment about that issue until I live my life as a black person…in other words, never. So we’re not going to talk about that here.

As for the “endangering the cause” issue…well, I have thoughts about that.

Why are women called bitches? They usually get pegged with that insult and get compared to a female dog because they have the audacity to speak their mind and break free of the social norms. These women have stepped outside of their place, see, and they have to be punished for it by being called bitches.

Well, I happen to like women who speak their mind and break free of the social norms. In my world, a bitch is a woman who knows the risks she’s taking when she states an opinion and stands up for herself, but does it anyway because fuck all if she’s going to let some asshole tell her what she can and can’t do.

Trust me that if I call you a “straight-up bitch,” I mean that in the absolute best way.

Of course, not everyone is going to agree with me on this, and that’s fine. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. I also won’t admiringly call a woman a “straight-up bitch” or a “tough as nails bitch” if I think that will make her uncomfortable. I think all individuals have a right to be called whatever they want to be called. In general, though, I want to give general rounds of applause to the tough bitches in this world.

To continue to celebrate people who tell it like it is, I’m presenting some pictures of my favorite bitch faces. When I’m confronted with stupid jerks and assholes in real life, I wish I were a brave enough bitch to tell them like it is. Unfortunately, my sense of decorum usually trumps my desire to tell someone off and I swallow my bitchy comment and smile. These people, however? They don’t care if people think they’re bitches. They don’t have to even tell someone off because their marvelous bitch faces express their contempt better than words ever can.

In honor of the bitch face, I present you Santana Lopez…

"You're singing Sweet Caroline to Rachel? Her?"

…Lucille Bluth…

"I can make five bitch faces in three seconds. Now give me a drink."

…Hermione Granger…

"Seriously, Ron. Shut the fuck up. Haven't you figured out yet that I'm always right?"

…Kristen Stewart…

"Yeah, no, not gonna shower if I don't want to."

…Katherine Pierce…

"I cannot BELIEVE I stalked your sorry ass for a hundred and fifty years."

…Kurt Hummel…

"Yes, I SHOULD win an Emmy for my ability to make these facial expressions alone."

…Zahara Jolie-Pitt…

"I'm, like, three, and I can still tell you're full of shit."

….Scarlett O’Hara…

"You think you have it in you to be as fabulous as I am. You are wrong."

…and finally, my favorite bitch face of all time, from Tai Frasier:

That was way harsh, Tai. But let’s face it – Cher totally deserved it.