Readers, after much consideration, I have decided to run for President of the United States. I know I have many competitors in this wide field, but I offer a unique level of preparedness that no other candidate – not even Elizabeth “I have a plan for that” Warren – can offer: I wrote my presidential platform when I was twelve.
While looking through my old documents during a visit to my parents’ house, my husband found an essay I wrote for my seventh grade English class, “If I Were Earth Leader.” He thought it was funny, but I found it inspiring. I realized that I’ve had what it takes to be Commander-in-Chief all along.
Feeling skeptical? See if you can find anything to disagree with in this comprehensive platform:
“If I Were Earth Leader”
by Theresa Basile
November 2, 1996
If I ruled the earth, what would I do?
First of all, this is just a fantasy that triggers my mind. I would NEVER be elected earth leader since I am only twelve years old. I also don’t know if I would WANT to be Earth leader anyway. It’s too big of a responsibility. I know I would get more money than I could handle by being Earth leader, because you need money to support all of the countries. How would I get the money, I’m not sure. But that doesn’t matter, since this is just a fantasy.
But let’s just say I DID run for Earth leader, and let’s just say I won, and let’s just say I had a bunch of bodyguards to protect me from all the sickos in the world. What would I do first?
First of all, I would send a hundred truckloads of food to all of the countries that have a lot of poor people. No, scratch that. I would send one hundred truckloads of food to every single country, period.
Then I would invent a huge vacuum to suck up all of the pollution, including water pollution, and ship it off to Jupiter where the enormous amount of gravity would crush it up.
After that, I’d hire scientists to find cures for cancer, diabetes, insomnia, AIDS, and other incurable diseases.
Then I would arrest every single criminal in the world and send them to special hospitals. The criminals who committed minor crimes would take classes on how to stop committing crimes. Homicidal maniacs and terrorists would be injected with chemicals that wouldn’t hurt them, but make them stop killing people.
What would I do next?
Whatever I wanted!
I would live in a twenty-acre mansion, but I wouldn’t cut down any trees to build it. All of my relatives would live with me. I would have a huge computer and type up stories and play games.
I would watch Monty Python videos and read whenever I wanted. I would live in Italy, because I would like to be near the Sistine Chapel. My parents went to Italy, and they loved it. I would visit the U.S. all the time. I would also go to Cooperstown for summer vacation, and Florida for winter vacation. I would visit England, Germany, and France, and go all over Europe.
I would pass a law allowing kids over ten to vote. I am outraged that I can’t vote for President because I am only twelve. I know about political issues and I would be a liberal Democrat, IF I COULD VOTE. Other kids might feel this way, too.
I would meet the cast of The Simpsons, and eat lunch with Emma Thompson and Robin Williams. I would meet movie actors and actresses.
I would invent a huge time machine and travel to 1865 and 1939. I would stop John Wilkes Booth from killing Lincoln, and Hitler from killing all the people in World War II.
By now, you probably think I’m crazy. How can a twelve-year-old girl, who lives in New York until the age of nine and moved to New Jersey, rule the world? Impossible!
And don’t you forget it!”
As you can see, my first priority has always been to address hunger and food insecurity on an international scale. I was forward-thinking on climate change from a young age. I supported aggressive medical research to cure disease, and I believed in criminal rehabilitation programs to reduce recidivism. In terms of international relations, I have always supported a strong relationship with the European Union.
At this point, you might be saying, “Her policy positions are great, but I’m not sure she’s electable.” It’s true that Republicans will undoubtedly label me as a “New York liberal,” and that could affect my chances in the Midwest. But I expect that young voters will turn out in record numbers when they see my support for a 10-year-old voting age. I’ve also been very family-oriented all my life, a quality that might sway some independent voters.
And, as you can see, I’m good at holding babies:
In conclusion, I hope you consider voting for me in 2020. I will not accept donations from large corporations (except for The Walt Disney Company in exchange for a free subscription to their streaming service). You can send me campaign donations through Venmo, and I pledge only to use that money to pay for improv classes that will help me on the debate stage.
Get TB in 2020!