Welcome, girls from Stoneybrook Middle School. I have reviewed your permanent records and determined that you are all eligible to attend the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Five of you are two years behind the typical schedule for a Hogwarts student, but you can catch up in our accelerated summer program. Before you begin your journey, you will be sorted into your appropriate houses where you will spend the next seven years of your lives.
You demonstrate loyalty to your friends and a willingness to share your snacks, even though getting those sweet treats into your room under your parents’ nose was a near-impossible feat. The cunning you demonstrate with that act shows signs of a Slytherin, but ultimately, your easygoing nature makes you an ideal Hufflepuff.
You show a strong aptitude for mathematics, and we trust that this aptitude extends to other academic subjects. Even if it doesn’t, you’re the only one of your cohorts who shows any particular strength in any particular academic area, so you get to be in Ravenclaw by default. Congratulations.
The amount of time you spend writing indicates that you really want to be in Ravenclaw. However, most of your stories consist of poor caricatures of your younger siblings where you make them even more annoying than they are in real life. You’re not ready for the academic rigor of Ravenclaw, so Hufflepuff it is.
I’ll be honest – the sorting hat doesn’t know where to put you. Athletic ability is almost an afterthought in the magical world. Witches and wizards hardly need to be strong when they use spells to get whatever they want. Even the best Quidditch players come from each house. Anyway, you’re a great dancer and you seem nice – into Hufflepuff you go.
Yes, we put you in Gryffindor – you can put your hand down now. Between the relentless pursuit of your different causes du jour, there’s no way you’d end up anywhere else. In the end, your passion for fighting for the little guy outweighs your arrogance about it, and that’s admirable. Just stop talking to me for the next month or so.
“SPIER, MARY ANNE!”
Don’t be scared. See that Neville Longbottom over there? You’re basically him, in female form, and probably better in school (sorry, Neville). You think you’re a mouse, but you’re really a lion. It’ll just take a little while for that lion to roar, and this is the house to nurture that courage. Now please try to stop crying.
The Sorting Hat screamed the Slytherin name as soon as it touched your head. You believe in rules and making others follow them, but will break them when it suits your own interests. Your need to be in charge of every situation even if it means alienating your closest friends. Salazar would be proud of you.