Well, it’s mid-January, meaning that movie studios are dumping their trash into the theaters while they wait for their prestige pictures to get Oscar nominations. Over the years, I have developed an uncanny ability to review the quality of these films even before seeing them. I’m going to see if I can continue with that streak.
First, we’ve got The Dilemma, the latest “comedy” starring Vince Vaughn and Kevin James.
Summary: Vince and Kevin are work buddies who also seem to be best friends. Kevin is married to Winona Ryder, and Vince is envious of the great married life they have. They’re the perfect couple. Then he catches Winona cheating with Channing Tatum Channing (I know I’m not the only one who can never remember what’s his first name and what’s his last name), and feels torn with whether or not he should tell Kevin. He confronts Winona about it, who – surprise! – turns out not only to be an adulteress, but also a lying deceitful bitch who’s going to tell Kevin that Vince made a pass at her! (See, guys? You don’t have to feel bad when the hot girl doesn’t go after you if you’re chubby, because she’s a lying WHORE who doesn’t deserve you anyway!) Vince is the good guy who’s stuck, stuck in this terrible dilemma, but it’s also funny when he makes fun of the female cousin at a family dinner for…some…reason…
Predicting the ending: Winona will be rightfully shamed, Vince will marry Jennifer Connelly, but most importantly, the friendship between the two men will be healed, because Bros Before Hos, amirite?
Verdict: I’ll pass, despite the presence of Cee-Lo on the soundtrack. Oh, Winona. I have such affection for you, so please stick to only doing good movies like Black Swan, okay?
Speaking of that film, we have our favorite leading lady Natalie Portman in a “romantic” “comedy” with Ashton Kutcher, No Strings Attached:
Summary: Two self-involved pretty people who are seemingly perfect best friends (given that they’re both unpleasant in different ways) start a no-strings attached sex pact. Natalie the overachieving woman and Ashton the manwhore start sleeping together, but he starts to develop real feelings for her, and she develops them for him back but is in denial about it because her career is more important to her (THAT BITCH!) Ashton’s “comical” sidekick best friends counsel him to keep up the no-strings-attached pact because it’s “every man’s fantasy” to just use women as sperm receptacles, and Natalie’s work colleagues chide her for not waking up and realizing what a great guy Ashton is.
Predicting the ending: Natalie realizes how wrong, wrong, wrong she was to not realize she loved Ashton from the very beginning, she professes her love and apologizes for her coldness, and he graciously welcomes her back into his loving arms.
Verdict: I’ll pass. In fact, I’ll walk past the movie theater, turn around, and then walk in the opposite direction just so I can pass it twice.
And finally, we have The Green Hornet (In 3-D!), written by and starring Seth Rogen:
Summary: Rich billionaire playboy Seth Rogen’s father dies, and he teams up with his father’s assistant Jay Chou to become superheros to fight the corruption in the city, but with a twist – they’re posing as villains to get close to the bad guys, only to then fight the bad guys. The town’s biggest villain is played by Christoph Waltz, and we also have Cameron Diaz as The Girl.
Predicted ending: I haven’t read the comic book this movie is based on, and I doubt I can really understand the complexities of the story without it, but I’m venturing a guess that the Green Hornet saves the day…right?
Verdict: I’m tempted to see this one. I like superhero movies well enough, watching Christoph Waltz chew the scenery for a few hours should be a lot of fun, and I hold residual affection for Seth Rogen thanks to Freaks and Geeks. However, I also haven’t forgiven him for penning that misogynistic doctrine posing as a sweet coming-of-age comedy known as Superbad. Still, this is a superhero movie, and probably won’t have many “male bodily functions are funny, female bodily functions are gross” jokes because it doesn’t quite fit the genre. This might be a rental in a few months.
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Several of your blogs have mentioned how much you disliked Superbad, and I was curious what you really hated about it. I haven’t seen it because I was annoyed with how similar it looked to other movies while hearing how “original” it was.
Here’s the short version: I really hate Jonah Hill’s character in the movie because he’s an entitled nerd that pretty much hates and resents all girls for not wanting to go out with him, despite never having done anything to make a girl WANT to go out with him. He redeems himself slightly in the end when he’s heartfelt about his feelings for Emma Stone’s character, but it’s far too little, too late. Also, there’s a part of the movie where a drunk girl has her period on him and bleeds on his leg. No, seriously. The movie relies too much on misogynistic, “girl parts are gross!” humor, and I remember there being rape jokes, too. I was bummed because Bill Hader’s in it, and I want to like everything that Bill Hader’s in, but alas.