Mayor Bloomberg refused to close the New York City public schools even after declaring a snow emergency? THIS looks like a problem for Justin Bieber!
Disclaimer: I do not own anyone by the name of Justin NOR by the name of Bieber, much less Justin Bieber. I own nothing in this serious work of fiction. In fact, I didn’t even write this. Someone else hacked into my WordPress account. Blame hir.
JUSTIN BIEBER AND THE NEW YORK CITY SNOW DAY
From his new home located in the middle of Switzerland, President Justin Bieber read the news with distress. The Mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg, announced that he would not be closing the public schools, even though snow was filling the streets and making commuting nearly impossible.
“This is absurd!” Justin Bieber fumed. “All of the city’s private schools and the schools in northern New Jersey are closed! The mayor declared a snow emergency, but decided to leave the public schools open! What foolishness is this?”
His Secretary of World Affairs, Megan Fox, did not answer right away, as she was just completing her hour of yoga. She was widely known as the wisest woman in the world, and kept her wits intact by one hour of yoga a day. She reflected silently in the child’s pose as Justin Bieber paced around his office.
“This is patently ridiculous,” Justin Bieber continued. “Many teachers live outside of the city and will not be able to use public transportation to get to their jobs. At least half of the students in most schools will stay home, and the students who do come to school will be far too wired and distracted to pay attention. A day of instruction will be completely wasted. Why not just follow the example of the private schools?”
Megan Fox finished her meditation, then abruptly stood up and rolled up her yoga mat. “It’s very simple,” she said. “The mayor and the chancellor are working on a conspiracy against the city public school teachers. They know many of them will have to stay home. That’s what they want to happen. They will, undoubtedly, rail against the teachers in the media, complaining how lazy and ineffectual they are, and use this in their argument to end tenure and base all hiring decisions on test scores.”
Justin Bieber stopped in his tracks and stared at Megan Fox, horrified. “That’s terrible!” he cried. “Why would Mayor Bloomberg demonize hardworking teachers like that – especially teachers in New York City?”
Megan Fox sighed and hang her head. “I’m afraid there’s only one explanation.”
Justin Bieber waited eagerly for Megan Fox’s answer. But even Justin Bieber, the epitome of all that was good and right in the world, could not anticipate what Megan Fox said next.
Megan Fox raised her head and said, “Mayor Bloomberg has been taken over by an evil alien from outer space…called the BloomBorg. And I am afraid that he has been under its influence since he was first elected.”
Justin Bieber gasped and clutched his chest. “Of COURSE!” he cried. “It’s all so incredible – yet it explains everything!”
Megan Fox bowed her head to the president. “You know what you have to do next, sir.”
Justin Bieber understood immediately the gravity of the situation. He took to the sky and flew to New York City as quickly as possible.
He landed in the middle of one of the Mayor’s press conferences. Justin Bieber saw instantly that Megan Fox was, once again, absolutely right. As the Mayor spoke at the podium, Justin Bieber saw the glazed-over look in his eyes. The Mayor droned on and on about teacher accountability, test scores, and tenure.
“We must fight the union in order to fix the problems with schools in this city,” the Mayor said lifelessly. “The teacher unions are the root of all of the problems.”
“What about the homeless problem?” a reporter asked.
“Teachers,” said the Mayor.
“What about the bed bug problem?” another reporter asked.
“Teachers,” said the Mayor. “The unions control everything but they must learn they cannot. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.”
Justin Bieber had had enough. He leapt onstage and shouted, “Begone, BloomBorg! Release the Mayor from your evil grasp!”
There was a collective gasp in the crowd, and then shrieks from Justin Bieber fans – which is to say, from the entire crowd.
“Oh, Mr. President! Please sign my album!” squealed a teenage girl.
“In due time, good lady!” Justin Bieber said. Then he unsheathed his secret weapon, the sword of Anduril from Lord of the Rings. “First, this demon must be slain!”
The BloomBorg tried to fight back, but he was no match for Justin Bieber. With a mighty war cry, Justin Bieber leapt forward, waved his sword…and cut off the BloomBorg’s tie.
The BloomBorg screamed and collapsed to the ground. For a moment, everyone thought he was dead.
But suddenly, Mayor Bloomberg stood, stretched his arms, and released a mighty roar of glee. The life had returned to his eyes, and the spring was back in his step.
“I’m free!” he sang. “I have been imprisoned for so long, but now I am free!” He ran forward and hugged Justin Bieber, tears of joy spilling from his eyes. “Thank you, Mr. President! Thank you so much!”
“It was all in a day’s work,” said Justin Bieber, kindly patting Mayor Bloomberg on the back. “Now, how about those autographs?”
The day was saved. Mayor Bloomberg promised that he would close the public schools the next time there was a heavy snowstorm. He also thanked city school teachers and administrators for their hard work. As good as promised, the next time it snowed, he announced school closings the night before the snow day, giving parents plenty of time to make arrangements for child care. And Justin Bieber signed two thousand autographs that day.