Novels, Fiction & SillinessJustin Bieber Saves Spider-Man

I was so delighted to write my last piece about Justin Bieber that I decided to write a sequel, called “Justin Bieber Saves Spider-Man.”

Disclaimer: I do not own Justin Bieber or any of the fictional characters mentioned in this story, so please, don’t sue me.  This is also a SERIOUS WORK of fiction and not in any way a cynical attempt to increase site hits.


Once Justin Bieber became the very first President of the World, he thought that all of the Earth’s problems would go away.

He was wrong.

It was true that most of the world’s largest problems had gone away.  Hunger, kidnappings, murders, rapes, and violence were all things of the past.  Racism and sexism were also gone, and homophobia was so passe that it had become a joke. Religious wars between people of different countries and faiths had mostly stopped, and all the citizens of Israelistine were living in peace and harmony.

But even someone as goodhearted, kind, and smart as President Justin Bieber could not prevent complete accidents from happening.

The set of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark had become a death trap.  In terms of both superstition and quality of dramatic writing, the show was becoming the new Macbeth. Even the press had stopped calling the show by its full name, and when referring to it, only called it “The Arachnid Play.”  This did not stop accidents from happening.  Approximately twenty-three actors had come in to take over the role of Spider-man, and twenty-three of them had to leave because of freak accidents.  One of them had even impaled himself on a violin bow in the pit orchestra – thankfully, none of his vital organs were punctured, though he was coughing up horse hair for weeks afterward.

This made Justin Bieber very upset.  He had been a fan of the Spider-man comics ever since he was a little boy growing up on a farm in Oklahoma with his seven brothers and sisters – Liesel, Lousia, Frederich, Kurt, Brigitta, Marta, and Gretl – and they always liked to take turns playing Peter Parker.  He so badly wanted the musical to succeed so that new generations could fall in love with Spider-man, but the controversy surrounding the show was preventing people from taking a genuine interest in the story.

“People are just going to the show because they want to see a train wreck!” Justin Bieber fumed while pacing in his office.  “They’re attracted to the mayhem!  I don’t understand.  What do you think, Megan Fox?”

Megan Fox, who was sitting quietly in the chair in front of Justin Bieber’s desk, raised her face to look at the president.  Justin Bieber had chosen her as his Secretary of World Affairs, as she was a woman wise beyond her years and known for the great amount of thought she put into every word.  “Forgive me, Mr. President,” she said calmly, “but I believe you should have foreseen this ever since you canceled The Jersey Shore.”

But I had to cancel that show!” Justin Bieber exclaimed.  “It was promoting all kinds of selfish, indulgent behavior!  I didn’t want to have such bad role models for children!”

“And your intentions were pure and good as always, Mr. President,” said Megan Fox, “but you severely underestimated the dark side of human nature.  Humans are wired to enjoy watching tragedy and mayhem on a perverse level.  While the citizens of Earth are kinder to one another, they still cannot tear their eyes away from violence occurring entirely on accident.”

It was not the first time that Justin Bieber fell silence at the wise words of Megan Fox, and it would not be the last.  He thought quietly for a few minutes, and then asked, “What do we do, then?”

“It’s very simple,” said Megan Fox.  “You need to become directly involved in the casting process of Spider-Man. Find an actor who can handle the pressures of the role.  Perhaps an actor on the verge of making a comeback.

Justin Bieber knew this was extremely sound advice.  He called the producers of the show and demanded full creative control over the casting process of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. The producers, of course, were eager to listen to him, as they had secretly wished for Justin Bieber’s help ever since the first Spider-man actor hurt himself.

And so the casting process began.  President Justin Bieber searched far and wide for the perfect actor to play Spider-man, but he found no such luck.  Many actors were reluctant to take on the part, as they were afraid that the notoriety that came with the role wouldn’t be worth the injuries they had to sustain.  He went from country to country, begging for help, but even at the risk of offending the President of the World, the actors all politely refused.

Justin Bieber was despondent.  He had to find someone to play Spider-man, and soon.  It was only a matter of time, he knew, before the archvillainess Lady Gaga would design herself a tacky costume made of pictures of the previous Spider-man actors.

Then, inspiration struck him like lightning.

“I’ve got it!” Justin Bieber cried.  “I know just the actor!”

Justin Bieber immediately picked up his phone and contacted James Van Der Beek.  James Van Der Beek had recently achieved a new level of fame with his James Van Der Memes.  Justin Bieber knew that, after watching the actor mock himself so tirelessly, James Van Der Beek would be up for anything.

He was right.  “Of course I’ll play the part!” said James Van Der Beek.

“I knew you would!” said Justin Bieber.

James Van Der Beek took over the role of Spider-man, and all of a sudden, the show’s dynamic completely changed.  The actor in charge of the role was now someone completely committed to self-mockery and parody.  He refused to take the show seriously, and made very amusing facial expressions to the audience while he flew around the stage.  Somehow, this attitude changed the show’s luck.  The accidents completely stopped, and the audience began seeing the show for its surprisingly winning star, rather than the potential for accidents.

Justin Bieber was very pleased with the results, and congratulated himself, James Van Der Beek, and Megan Fox for another job well done.  He also made a point of seeing Spider-man once a week so he could take a break from his heavy duties as President of the World and enjoy a laugh every now and then.


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2 Responses to Justin Bieber Saves Spider-Man

  1. luke basile says:

    this is pretty damn funny. next you should make “Justin Beiber becomes Robin” or something. keep up the superhero flow.

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