Well, the end of a new year has come. In terms of my writing, I have had the most successful year of my life. I had a featured story in SMITH Magazine, I started a blog that people actually seem to read, and I am three chapters away from finishing the first draft of my young adult novel. This past week, especially, I have been writing up a storm, communicating with my family mostly through incomprehensible grunts and frantic gestures to leave me alone because the artist is creating.
But all good things must come to an end. The year is over, meaning that my vacation is almost over, and on Monday, I must return to working my full-time job.
Still, I have found so much joy through blogging and working on my novel that I plan to keep up with both. I’ll write shorter posts, but still update daily – or at least, five days a week.
“But how do you do it?” you might ask. “How do you work full-time, at a job where the commute is ninety minutes each way and requires three forms of transportation, enjoy a thriving social life on the weekends, and still work on several writing projects?”
Excellent question – and I assume that, if you’re asking it, you know me pretty well because we are friends in real life and not because you are a crazy stalker. (If you are a crazy stalker, I have an uncle who is a sergeant and an aunt who is a captain in the NYPD, and they’re Irish-Italian Catholic to boot, so don’t even try). Or, perhaps you are asking because you are envious of my dedication and skill and wish to emulate my lifestyle.
Well, whether you like me or want to be like me, here is my New Year’s present to you: three tips for writing while working a full-time job.
To put it simply, and to paraphrase Mr. Burns from The Simpsons, “Sleep. Nutrition. Fitness. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in the writing world.” (Bonus points to anyone who can name the season and episode).
TOP TIP #1: Sleep is for the weak, and for the end of the week. If you’re anything like me, you’ve been blessed with the gift of insomnia. You’ll toss and turn in your bed all night, walk like a zombie through your work day, look forward to the time where you can finally go home and get some decent rest…only to repeat the process when your head hits the pillow. It’s likely that you can’t sleep because you just came up with a great plot twist for that story you’re working on, or you suddenly came up with a witty, scathing response to that person you were arguing with on your favorite online message board. Well, instead of fighting the insomnia, embrace it. Sleep disorders are your friend, not your enemy. Get out of bed. Write that chapter. Go back online and post your witty response, because you can’t bother with sleep when Someone is Wrong on the Internet. If you’re only averaging 4-5 hours a night, so what? Better four hours of fit sleep than seven of interrupted sleep. Besides, you can always catch up on Friday. Hit the sheets at approximately 6 pm and make up for lost time with a sleep marathon. Saturday nights are more fun for going out with your friends, anyway.
TOP TIP #2: Food is best consumed in smoothie or bar form, or in cardboard takeout boxes. I don’t care if you like to cook, or even if you are good at it. The only reason you should spend as much time on your cooking as you do on your writing is if you are a food writer. When it comes to finding extra time in your day to write, you need to survive on fruit smoothies, granola bars, trail mix, and delivery. If you’re concerned about nutrition, then order dishes that have a lot of vegetables in them. Ordering out is also strangely economical – you can usually get two dinners out of one order, since the portion sizes are so huge. (God Bless America and its dedication to gluttony).
TOP TIP #3: You’re not really using that gym membership, anyway. And, I bet your yoga mat and weights are collecting dust in the corner. Stop wasting money and time on that gym – no, even if you bought the membership at a discounted rate. That’s how they get you. Quit pretending that you’re going to exercise – you’re not fooling anyone. If you want to be a writer, your goal should be to improve your mind, not your body. Your body is going to fail you at some point in your life, no matter how fit you are. But if you focus your efforts on your mind, you might actually become a successful writer and get paid to do it. Then, you can hire someone to take care of you when you’re old. And by hiring a nurse, you are doing your patriotic duty by giving someone an employment opportunity and funneling money back into the economy. Go you!
There you have it: three tips for writing while working full-time. Before you know it, you’ll get paid to write and then won’t even have to work full-time. Then, you will no longer have to forgo sleep, nutrition, and exercise in order to write. Instead, you’ll sleep poorly because you’re filled with anxiety about your work, you’ll eat emotionally because your book didn’t sell as well as you hoped or received poor reviews, and you’ll skip exercise because anything that takes more effort than sitting in front of a computer and typing will be just too hard.
You’re welcome.
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