This Is Not a Post About “Fifty Shades of Grey”

Fifty Shades of Grey is a book that has become obscenely popular in the last few months. It’s inspired a (terrible, disgusting) phrase called “mommy porn”. It’s given women new masturbation material, only with more BDSM. It’s provoked a huge backlash of criticism among feminist writers and others who just think it’s terrible writing.

As a feminist, I guess I’m supposed to have an opinion on Fifty Shades of Grey. But I’m not going to talk about Fifty Shades of Grey.

I’m not going to talk about it because I haven’t read very much of it. I’ve only read a few passages detailed at 50 Shades of Suck, and it was enough to indicate that the book is, indeed, terribly written, so poorly written that it makes Stephenie Meyer look like Jane Austen, but you’ve all read snark about the writing before. I don’t need to say anything else.

I’m not going to talk about the books from a feminist angle because again, you’ve read enough of that. I think Christian Grey sounds like a grade-A abusive asshole but I don’t think these books are going to inspire a sudden wave of abusive relationships because women enjoy masturbating to him. I don’t get the appeal, but I’m  not judging others for their choice of fantasies.

I’m not going to talk about what kinds of fans like Fifty Shades of Grey and HOW COULD ANYONE LIKE Fifty Shades of Grey because, guess what? Every single one of us has enjoyed a piece of writing or film or art that was badly written or just plain bad. The literary world is not going to completely fall apart because a lot of people want to buy these books.

I’m not going to talk about Fifty Shades of Grey because it’s not really Fifty Shades of Grey at all, it’s a piece of Twilight alternate universe FANFICTION that the so-called “author” ran through Microsoft Word and replaced the names Edward Cullen and Bella Swan with Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele. She got a book deal and is making a financial killing because she ripped off Twilight. HOW IS THIS EVEN A BOOK?! HOW DOES SHE GET AWAY WITH PLAGIARISM?! This is scandalous, this is plagiarism, this is just plain wrong, and why didn’t I think of it first?

Anyway. That’s why I’m not going to write about Fifty Shades of Grey. This post isn’t even about Fifty Shades of Grey. You didn’t see anything here.