Why More Rom-Coms Should Be Like “When Harry Met Sally…”

Last night, Nora Ephron passed away, and the world lost a talented writer who was known for (amongst other things) romantic comedies that were smarter than the av-er-age bear. While I’m not particularly fond of You’ve Got Mail or Sleepless in Seattle, I admire her for other films like Silkwood and Julie and Julia. Above all, I’ll remember Nora Ephron best for one of my favorite movies, When Harry Met Sally…

Why More Rom-Coms Should Be Like “When Harry Met Sally…”

1. The leads don’t fall in love or instant hate immediately.
Many romantic comedies begin with one of two obnoxious tropes: love at first sight, or hate at first sight. Usually the “love at first sight” movies will lead to one person obnoxiously following another person around, convinced that stalking is romantic. The “hate at first sight” connection will lead to bickering until the characters eventually fall in love. Harry and Sally avoid both of those pitfalls. No, they don’t particularly like each other when they first meet, nor when they meet a second time in an airport, and they have disagreements both times, but they don’t result in loud bickering matches that turn into public spectacle. Both times, they part amicably, if not in a friendly way, with no intention of seeing each other again.

2. Conversations take time and are always entertaining.
I didn’t notice this aspect of When Harry Met Sally… until someone pointed it out to me, but the entire movie is just people talking. There are no wacky montages, no displays of un-funny physical comedy, nothing. All of the scenes focus on conversation, and the lines reveal so much about the characters while being entertaining and clever. Harry completely won me over when he said he liked to read the ending of books in case he died before he finished it, and Sally’s turn was when she explained that “they don’t make Sunday” underpants “because of God.”

3. Women aren’t the only ones talking about relationships.
The film doesn’t pass the Bechdel test. There are scenes with Sally and Marie that are all about men and relationships. But Harry and Jess talk about women, relationships, and romance just as much as Sally and Marie do. The movie doesn’t try to pretend that all women want relationships and men are just dogs who only want sex. There’s a very human need for connection and comfort lying underneath both Harry and Sally’s (and Jess and Marie’s) actions. Harry may talk a good game about how men only want sex, but it’s clear he’s all talk.

4. There’s good acting and believable chemistry from the leads.
I’m not sure why movie audiences were falling over themselves in delight when Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks reunited for You’ve Got Mail, because for me, the real magic was between Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal. They have to believably play off of each other while also believably aging ten years. The era-specific haircuts help, but there are also subtle differences in their performances. College graduates Harry and Sally are very committed to the personas they’ve created for themselves. Harry is dark because he thinks dark is cool, and Sally is upbeat and chirpy because that’s how she’s decided to live her life. Ten years later, they’ve both changed. Harry has lost the youthful poseur darkness and developed the wiser, more solemn air of someone who now understands real pain, and Sally is less chirpy and more grounded, now knowing she can no longer plan everything in her life. These changes are clear in the writing, but Crystal and Ryan bring it in the acting department as well.

5. The public declaration has no listeners.
Public declarations of romantic feeling make me uncomfortable. They seem really sweet, but I always cringe because I worry that the person on the receiving end of the public declaration might be shy, or not comfortable with someone else airing relationship dirty laundry in front of listeners. Fortunately, Harry’s declaration to Sally at the end of the movie takes place on New Year’s Eve, where so many people are talking and chatting around them, involved in their own conversations, that no one can hear what he says to her and vice-versa. They get a private moment in a public crowd and I love it.

6. The movie doesn’t go from hate to love, but from mild dislike to friendship.
When Harry Met Sally… gets criticized for proposing the question, “Can men and women ever really be friends?” and then seeming to answer that question with a, “Well, no. I guess they can’t.” I’m not sure I agree. I see the movie as saying that men and women can be friends, and some of the best romantic relationships come from friendship. Not insincere friendships where one person is secretly attracted to the other but won’t admit it, or fakes sincere friendship when s/he really wants to get the other person into bed (hello, Nice Guy/Girl Syndrome!) REAL friendships. Harry and Sally find the friendship they need in each other and it happens to develop into romance later on – but they don’t lose that core of friendship by the end.

That’s not to say the movie is without its flaws. Even though I laugh during their conversation about “high-maintenance women,” I hate that the high-maintenance label seems to only be used against women and never men. Despite that, When Harry Met Sally… is still one of my favorite romantic comedies, and one of my favorite movies, period.

Rest in peace, Nora Ephron. Thank you for this movie and I hope other screenwriters will learn a thing or two from you.