November Movies I Won’t be Seeing (And Two I Will)

November is here, and in a month centered around the most quintessentially American of all holidays – I speak, of course, of Parent-Teacher Conference Day – I feel it is only best to honor five movies that will be making their way into our theaters.

(Side note: I thought about making this November movie post into two separate posts, but found that I had very little to say about My Week with Marilyn other than “that looks interesting,” and very little to say about A Very Harold & Kumar 3-D Christmas other than “I think John Cho and Kal Penn are charming.”)

Anyway, I’ll start with the movies premiering this week and then proceed chronologically. First up is Tower Heist, starring a group of highly paid Hollywood actors pretending to be average Americans:

Summary: Ben Stiller is an employee of Evil Alan Alda who is definitely not playing a Donald Trump-esque character, no siree. Evil Alan Alda robs his employees of their pensions. Ben Stiller decides that  that’s so not raven and springs Eddie Murphy out of jail so Eddie Murphy can help them plan a tower heist, and it’s totally realistic that a downtrodden worker can afford to pay a criminal’s bail money. Anyway, they get a gang of wacky misfits together and plan a robbery.

Predicted ending: Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy bicker and have wacky hijinx because they totally have different styles of robbery. Gabourey Sidibe kicks evil butt as a downtrodden maid.

My verdict: I chuckled once during this trailer – at the very end when Gabourey Sidibe and Eddie Murphy flirted. As for the rest of it, meh. Maybe it’s just me, but I have a hard time watching movies where highly paid A-list actors are supposed to be playing people who are in the 99% of Americans. Yeah, yeah, I know it’s “acting.” It still rubs me the wrong way.

Next up is Jack and Jill, starring Adam Sandler and – omigosh, what a twist! – Adam Sandler as a woman:

Summary: In a godawful monstrosity that’s an insult to humankind, Adam Sandler plays twins named Jack and Jill. Jack finds Jill very annoying, even though they pretty much have the exact same personality traits and the behavior is only disgusting coming from a woman, not from a man. Oh, and Jack’s son hits his aunt in the face, a behavior of which Jack approves. Because that’s hilarious.

Predicted ending: Jack discovers that he and Jill are not so different after all and there are hugs and fart jokes and yawwwwwn I fell asleep.

My verdict: Amusingly enough, I accidentally typed “assleep” in that above sentence, and I think I should have left that misspelling. It’s so very apt (or asspt, as it were).

On that same day, we see the release of Immortals, or 300 2: Electric Bugaloo, starring a bunch of dudes in togas yelling at each other:

Summary: Images of men being powerful and women being subservient cross the screen. We also get flaming arrows and eagles flying and squawking. A dude cuts a woman’s neck and then hilariously examines his fingernails afterward, in a move that’s supposed to be an example of how chilling and evil he is, but really makes me think that he caught a bit of her blood in his manicure and needs to check it out. Oh, and the gods need Theseus to save humanity or whatever.

Predicted ending: Theseus saves humanity from these evil jerks that would be so cruel to women. (Deleted scenes: Theseus claims Hippolyta as his bride like she is an object, then ditches her for Phaedra.)

My verdict: It makes sense that all of these movies centered around Greek mythology – 300, Clash of the Titans, Immortals – would focus so heavily on male heroes. I mean, it’s not like Greek mythology and history has any rich, complex female characters – immortal OR human – who are interesting enough in their own right…

The following week, we have Breaking Dawn, Part 1, starring the two people in Hollywood who are most ill-equipped to be movie stars:

Summary: Wedding invitations. People walking around. Jacob getting angry and wolfing out. Soundtrack having an epic, Lord of the Rings-esque feel, as though a wedding and honeymoon night require that kind of suspenseful pseudo-operatic music. Editors trying in vain to make us surprised at any events in the trailer – like OMG the bride in the tiara is BELLA?! WHO SAW THAT COMING?!. Editors desperately trying to justify Breaking Dawn’s division into two movies as though the book even had enough plot for one. Charlie Swan looks ponderous. I don’t know what he’s actually thinking, but it might be something along the lines of, “Why am I the only likable character in this movie?”

Predicted ending: N/A. I read the book and I know what happens. I really, really wish I didn’t.

My verdict: This looks dreadfully dull and awful, and I will most definitely be seeing it on opening weekend and then hating myself afterward.

Finally, we have the best movie trailer in the history of time. But I don’t want to oversell it, so see it for yourself:

Summary: Jason Segel and Amy Adams, two actors I find quite charming and likable, find themselves cast in a paint-by-numbers romantic comedy with a formula so boring I could have written this movie in my sleep, and shit, they’re using a terribly outdated song, too, and how did they possibly end up in such a stupid piece of holy crap is that KERMIT THE FROG AND MISS PIGGY WHAAAAT?

Predicted ending: MUPPETS!!!!!!!!!!!

My verdict: Yes, I know this trailer has been out for months. I DON’T CARE. It’s just as funny to me as it was back when it was first released, and I will be seeing this movie approximately a thousand Muppety times. MUPPETS!