October Movies I Won’t be Seeing (And One I Might), Part 2

Halloween is fast approaching, the weather is getting chilly, and the air is getting spooooky. Soon all the demons and spirits of Halloween will emerge from the shadows and terrorize the people, and the people will have no choice but to hide from these demons by huddling for safety in the movie theaters.

Judging by the trailers for the movies that are premiering this week and next week, I think I’d be better off facing the demons.

First up is The Three Musketeers, a movie starring a lot of white people, based on a novel written by a biracial man.

Summary: Some kid named D’Artagnan wants to be a Musketeer, and he’s cute and pubescent-looking enough to be a Mouseketeer. He goes on his Musketeer auditions and tries his very best to please the current Musketeers: Apollo, Titus Pullo, and Not!Mr. Darcy. They accept him into their group, but unfortunately, Evil Legolas and Evil Joan of Arc have other plans for them. Wackiness ensues. Christoph Waltz cashes a paycheck.

Predicted ending: Not!Mr. Darcy defeats Evil Joan of Arc’s Evil Costumes and Evil Slow-Motion. Or something. Who cares?

My verdict: Meh. Meh to the most disinterested power.

Next up is In Time, starring a former Mousketeer and a cast of real actors that play second fiddle to him.

Summary: Time is currency. In this DARING! and INNOVATIVE! and ORIGINAL!!! vision of the future, the main players in society are all good-looking, rich, thin, and white. Justin Timberlake is a rebel because he doesn’t want to “waste” the time he has, unlike those greedy rich folk who have more than they need (much like, oh, I don’t know, real life Justin Timberlake). Anyway, a non-greedy rich person gives Justin Timberlake some extra time. Now he’s a marked man! And this marked man proves himself to be a very sympathetic character by forcibly kidnapping a woman and holding her hostage. Because he has to. He has no choice, duh.

Predicted ending: Amanda Seyfried and Justin Timberlake fall in love, because hostages always fall in love with their kidnappers, and that’s totally realistic, not to mention healthy. Another character runs out of time! Will Justin Timberlake run out of time?! More importantly, does anyone care?!

My verdict: I like a lot of actors in this movie – Amanda Seyfried, Olivia Wilde, Vincent Kartheiser, and Cillian Murphy. But the premise isn’t as clever as it thinks it is, and I’m not interested in watching Justin Timberlake play the hero while all that smarm lurks underneath. I only like him on Saturday Night Live, and asking me to root for him over Cillian Murphy is a mission that’s doomed to failure. Heck, I rooted for Cillian Murphy in Batman Begins.

Next up is Anonymous, a film that contests that William Shakespeare is the not the author of Shakespeare’s plays. Speaking of a completely new and original premise…

Summary: This film entertains the wonderfully edgy premise that a lower-middle-class actor completely robbed a poor privileged aristocrat of his authorship. See, Shakespeare is like the reverse Robin Hood…of ideas.

Predicted ending: Ink splatters artfully on the screen. A guy gets his head chopped off. Rhys Ifans broods and feels sad that his authorship was questioned. Poor Rhys Ifans. A woman holds a rose. Queen Elizabeth looks queenly. People pose dramatically and apparently don’t talk during this entire movie.

My verdict: Can you tell that I’m not much of an Oxfordian? No, I won’t be seeing this. Yes, I am aware that Derek Jacobi is an Oxfordian, but he’s such a brilliant actor that I don’t even care. If Derek Jacobi thought Shakespeare’s plays were authored by Boba Fett, I wouldn’t care. If you can play King Lear like he can, you can believe whatever you want.

Finally, we have Martha Marcy May Marlene, starring the Olsen sister that Mary-Kate and Ashley finally released from the attic.

Summary: Martha is released from some kind of creepy commune. She is damaged. The movie flashes back to her experience on the commune. It also tells us the story of her time with her siblings who can’t handle her damage (y’all).

Predicted ending: Martha has a mental breakdown. Music is scary. Sol Star from Deadwood is a TOTAL FUCKING CREEPER and thus secures a second consecutive Academy Award nomination.

My verdict: This looks artistic in just the way I like it, but also CREEPY, so I’ll go if someone comes with me and holds my hand. *shudder*