TROLLLL! In the Dungeon!!!

This post is brought to you by Professor Quirrell:

I haven’t had too many trolls stop by here for awhile. I think the troll repellent I sprayed around my corner of The Internet must be working. Every once in awhile, though, a troll manages to squeeze through and spread hir droppings all over the place. The one I got this morning was a true work of beauty, so exquisite in its trolliness that it deserves its own exhibit in the Troll Museum.

I’ve talked before about the Embittered Troll, the Comedian Troll, and the Ironic Troll. The one I got this morning managed to exhibit qualities of all three of these species of troll and show some strains of a fourth type of troll: the Verbose Troll. See, this troll didn’t condense his bile into one soundbite or punchline. He kindly went on to yell at me for five paragraphs.

And what kind of blogger would I be if I didn’t post this gem in its entirety? This troll is brought to you by none other than a gentleman *cough* who calls himself Khal Drogo, and he left a comment on my Game of Tits post.

Paragraph 1:

“It’s amazing how this discussion has gone on for so long without anyone actually clarifying the situation with Dany and Khal Drogo. In the book, the first ”physical examination” was indeed tender and sweet as Khal Drogo seemed to feel sorry for Dany and tried to comfort her. If one reads on however, he (or she…feminists…) reads that the first sexual intercourses with the Khal in the tent are brutal, degrading and painful. Martin even writes that Dany is grateful that she can smother her cries of pain in a pillow. So actually, the series does not change a thing. So take that!”

I love the whole “he (or she…feminists…)” aside in the middle of the paragraph. I can so picture him shaking his head while saying, “feminists,” and tsk-tsking over us silly people who can’t understand fantasy and sci-fi because we’re too confused by our ladybrains. But that’s not even my favorite part of the paragraph. It’s the discussion of the Dany/Drogo sex scene that was turned into a rape scene for the show, and he is oh-so intelligently pointing out that future relations between Dany and Drogo had all sorts of problematic connotations.

Actually, he has a point there. The Dany/Drogo relationship is problematic at best. Why, oh why, has this discussion gone on so long before he stepped in with his SMARTNESS to clarify the situation for us?

Except, you know, for the fact that someone already did, on April 19:

“Rape should never be titillating and I agree that the Dany scene was grotesque. I actually went back to reread it. If you recall, while she is turned on by the foreplay, the actual sex is rough enough on her 13 year old body to make her fear it every time he comes for her after that. So, Martin had no reason to make it any more violent.”

Oh. Oops?

Well, I shouldn’t be too hard on the guy, right? After all, his point is still a valid one. Just because he presented it in a way that managed to be both condescending and extremely childish (the “so take that!” just slays me), and just because he wanted to rush to prove how intelligent he was without bothering to actually read the comments, doesn’t mean he’s a total doofus. He made one good point in there, so shouldn’t I cut him some slack?

No-can-dosville, baby doll. No-can-do…sville. We still have four paragraphs to go.

Let’s move to Paragraph 2:

“And as for the statement that men don’t want to see women over 30 naked. It’s just so many kinds of wrong that I can’t even get started. Yes… yes we do. Very much. I bet even teenage boys have wet dreams about Eva Mendes and Angelina Jolia with both of them being twice their ages.”

He’s right that I would be very off the mark to claim that men aren’t attracted to women over thirty. It’s a good thing I didn’t say that, then! If you recall, this is what I wrote:

“I can’t think of any other answer to these questions besides, ‘The show is trying to appeal to a male audience, and we don’t think men want to see penises or naked women over thirty, especially naked mothers.'”

The “we” in that sentence does not refer to me, other women, other feminists, or anyone who watches the show. The “we” refers to the creatively-challenged studio executives with little imagination who treat male viewers as a monolithic demographic they can pander to.

Of course, maybe I wasn’t clear enough when I made that point in the original post. Maybe I should have clarified what I really meant somewhere else…

“My comment was not meant to criticize men en masse. It was meant to criticize Hollywood for a lack of imagination and for making assumptions about male viewers. It’s similar to my criticism of Hollywood (in general) for assuming that women only want to see romantic comedies about airheads who are attracted to jerks (and all of these women of course work in the publishing industry, for some reason).”

…to avoid that kind of confusion.

Oh, wait. I already did, and this guy might have known that if he had bothered to read the comments? Gotcha.

But wait – the paragraph’s not even over!

“( Yeah and I read about the ”think” word in the sentence ok ok Lady T..) “

See, folks? He read about the “think” word! He has so much smartness! Oh, if only he had bothered to read the other words around the “think” word. He would have so much more smartness.

“Just.. do not try to tell us what men want or don’t want unless you are one of them. To be honest.. I ”THINK” that this whole discussion is pretty ridiculous.”

Hmm…on the interwebs, capital letters are often used for emphasis, but quotation marks often indicate sarcasm. In this case, he’s capitalizing and using quotation marks. He’s being emphatically sarcastic!

“Just watch the series and try not to overthink.”

“The whole town’s talking about it. It’s not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas and thinking.” How did Gaston from Beauty and the Beast learn how to use the Internet?

“And hey, seems like you ladies are intelligent enough, why don’t you make a different movie. One with cocks flying across the screen every 5 minutes and see what the world would think about that.”

A different movie? I thought Game of Thrones was a TV show. But hey, I’m a feminist, so what do I know about anything? I also love the bit of sarcastic anger directed towards anyone who doesn’t clap with delight and squeal that yet another program shows nudity with a completely male gaze. Wanting a little equality is TOTES THE SAME THING as wanting “cocks flying across the screen every 5 minutes.” In fact, that’s something else I wrote in the post itself:

“I’m NOT writing this to demand that A Game of Thrones give us more male nudity just for my pleasure…”

It seems that, though “Khal Drogo” remembered to read about the think word, he forgot to read about the NOT word at the beginning of the sentence.

Honestly, I think a show with “cocks flying across the screen every 5 minutes” would be quite dangerous. Imagine if someone got hit with one of those! And what of the poor roosters themselves? *rimshot*

Anyway, onto Paragraph 3:

“Please loosen up and take it easier.”

I would love to loosen up. I’ve been trying different things, but my doctor thinks I just need more fiber in my diet.

“The sole reason why I even bothered posting here is because I’m soooo sick of having to read feminists overreacting to various things. Just as you probably will overreact to my post here. *Sigh*..”

Sigh. His life is so hard, y’all. He HAS to read “feminists overreacting to various things.” I went over to his house and made him read this post. Trufax.

I don’t need to point out the irony of someone telling me I’M overreacting when he’s the one posting a five-paragraph essay attacking someone who simply doesn’t like what he likes, do I?

“Men dont want to see women over 30 on the screen because their MILFs, but simply because they are WOMEN.”

“I want to objectify an ENTIRE sex, not just the young ones!” Actually, I don’t even know what his point is here. With whom is he arguing? Himself? I was claiming that network executives don’t think men want to see naked women under the age of thirty, and he’s saying, “We don’t just like MILFs. We like ALL women!” I think there’s someone else inside his brain that he wants to argue with. I should probably just step out and let them go at it, yes?

Anyway, here’s paragraph 4:

“A not-very-wise man once said ‘Women should always be dressed in white, just like all other home appliances’. — Thats one of my favourite quotations and I use it ONLY with humour. Every girl I’ve ever quoted that to, has laughed. If you can too, you just might still be saved.”

“I’m not sexist when I repeat this sexist quotation because I quote it ironically.”

Actually, it’s not the use of this quote that makes me think this dood is a little sexist. It’s the use of this quote after three paragraphs telling a woman she thinks too much and being a condescending assmunch that makes me think this dood is a little sexist. So is the implication that I only have a sense of humor if I laugh at this quotation. Humor’s not, like, subjective or anything.

Finally, here’s paragraph five, and boy is it a doozy:

“(P.S: Before anyone starts flying accusations at me, I have been together with a really sweet girl for a very long time and I truly love her and never in my life have I considered myself superior to her or anything like that in any way. Just.. guarding my back here.)”

HAHAHAHALOLLOLLOL.

Didn’t Jon Stewart do a segment about this kind of statement on The Daily Show awhile back? I think it was called, “Statements of Clarification That Probably Won’t Do You Any Good.” Why on earth would this guy feel the need to tell me about his relationship when I never write about other people’s relationships on my blog, nor do I ask to hear about them?

Oh, wait. I see. He’s using the fact that he’s in a relationship with a “really sweet girl” to protect himself from accusations that he is sexist.

I love this argument. Trolls pull this out as a trump card all the time and dance around with an, “I win! Nyah nyah nyah!” They think that having girlfriends (or wives, or daughters, or sisters, or token Female Friends) means that they Win The Internet Argument!

They, of course, ignore the fact that a) treating your girlfriend nicely doesn’t automatically translate into treating other women nicely, b) having a girlfriend or wife doesn’t magically make you not sexist – just ask Henry VIII, and c) women can be sexist against other women.

I know. This is brand-new information for most of you. Try to contain yourselves.

Anyway, we’ve come to the end of this troll dropping. I feel almost sad. “Khal Drogo,” when you left that comment early this morning, I had myself a wonderful laugh, but now it’s over. Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time rewritten every line? Now I’m only left with misty water-colored memories of the way we were…

But that’s okay. I look forward to getting more troll droppings in the future.

Good day, readers, and please don’t forget to always read about the think word.