August 2011 is going to be a big month for me. (I’ll be vague and just say that I have a <i>lot</i> to do.) Fortunately, very few movies are coming out that actually capture my interest in any way. I’ll have plenty of time to take care of personal stuff because movies won’t be able to distract me. Thanks, August 2011!
First on the Not-See List is The Change-Up, starring actors who I am now embarrassed to have ever found attractive or appealing:
Summary: In an adult male version of Freaky Friday, two douchebags switch bodies after they pee in a fountain (no, really) and wacky hijinx ensue. “Wacky hinjinx” meaning, of course, these doucheturds showing a complete lack of respect for consent by lying to women about who they are in order to sleep with them. Because that’s not rape at all! Isn’t it curious that the women in the Freaky Friday movies were extremely uncomfortable with the idea of men pursuing them while they weren’t in their own bodies, while the men in The Change-Up can’t wait for the opportunity to lie to the women they want to bang! That must be because men are really disgusting pigs, and not because movie executive and misogynists like to portray men as disgusting pigs because that stereotype sells (for some reason).
Predicted ending: The men will just barely avoid having sex with other women while in each other’s bodies, and that will Make Everything Okay. Oh, and they’ll probably learn some message about respect and the grass being greener on the other side and junk. The audience will probably miss that lesson, though, and more likely remember the lesson that male bodily functions are LOL-worthy and female bodily functions are OMG GROSS!!!
My verdict: I will miss this movie, buy a time machine, and go back in time just so I can miss it twice. Also, Jason Bateman is SO VERY on notice. He hasn’t yet made me want to buy a time machine so I can forget about having ever seen Arrested Development, but I’m slowly getting to that point.
Next on the list is The Help, starring Oscar-Nominated Viola Davis, Ignacio Suarez’s crazy stalker from Ugly Betty, Former Gwen Stacy from Spiderman 3, and Gwen Stacy 2.0:
Summary: People in the South are racist and the women who are The Help are treated badly until Blonde Emma Stone decides to write an expose article about their experiences.
Predicted ending: And a White Woman Saved Them All.
My verdict: Of course I’m happy to see a major motion picture about women, and I’m sure good acting will be had by all. I just can’t shake the feeling that the movie will be a great opportunity for smug white folks to pat themselves on the back and say, “Well, thank God all that racism is done for and in the past now!”
Next up is Our Idiot Brother with Paul Rudd and women with brown hair:
Summary: Paul Rudd is really, really naive, and a pothead, although I can’t tell if he’s naive because he’s a pothead or if he’s a pothead because he’s naive. He irritates all of his siblings, including Bitchy Elizabeth Banks, Slutty Zooey Deschanel, and Long-Suffering Emily Mortimer.
Predicted ending: They learn something about life from their weird idiot brother, and Elizabeth Banks and Zooey Deschanel learn the totally new and edgy!! messages that being forthright AND sexually free, while also female, is wrong and off-putting. Paul Rudd fucks Rashida Jones. Emily Mortimer probably doesn’t have brittle bones, but she will be long-suffering for the whole movie, even though her cameos and guest appearances in Scream 3 and 30 Rock indicate that she can be pretty damn funny when she’s allowed to be.
My verdict: This movie thinks it’s cleverer than it really is.
The last item on the chopping block is Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, starring a little girl, Guy Pearce, and Joey Potter.
Summary: A family moves into a haunted house and a lot of creepy shit happens.
Predicted ending: The little girl turns out to be right about the ghosts and something horrible and traumatizing happens – the ghosts take over Katie Holmes’s body and she’s forced to co-star in Jack and Jill.
My verdict: This movie looks really good. I won’t be seeing it because I’m a chicken, but everyone else should see it right away.
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I’m a sucker for a good scary movie so I may give that last one a chance. The others I’ll save for late night viewing on tv so I can yell at the stupidity.
I think it looks great and I loved Pan’s Labyrinth, but while I can handle things like creepy monsters and other worlds, I would get too paranoid about a “monsters and spirits UNDER THE BED!” movie even at this age.
Oh I didn’t even realize it is a Guirremo Del Toro film. Now I really want to see it.
I will also not be seeing any of these movies. Especially “The Help.” I just had to read the book for my book club, and it kills me that it was such a hit that a movie was made. Ugh.
I have friends whose opinions I deeply respect who absolutely loved The Help, but I’ve also read criticisms from other people whose opinions I deeply respect. I’m tempted to read it myself because I’m curious, but I probably won’t see the movie.
I was so creeped from the book The Help… I can’t believe they are making it into film.
It’s like “Something Blue” all over again – piles of crap under the pretense of saying something positive.
Go jump in a well Hollywood.
Ha!
I am interested in reading the book. For all I know, the movie/book has a great message and the marketing is the only thing that’s crap. I’ve heard a lot of positive AND negative opinions of The Help, so I am curious.