July Movies I Won’t Be Seeing (And One I Will)

July 2011 has arrived, and the approach of the month was making me feel a little nervous. I knew I wanted to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 on opening night, but I still felt fretful. What if I was treated to a group of truly excellent movies and had to choose between seeing Deathly Hallows for the third time and seeing a brand-new movie?

Thankfully, the month is treating me to awful-looking films, which means Deathly Hallows will have very little competition.  Thanks, July!

First up is Larry Crowne, starring the cast of Charlie Wilson’s War:

Summary: I’m not sure I can write a better summary than this one.

Predicted ending: Tom Hanks marries Julia Roberts, because the only way she can find true fulfillment through her teaching is if she bangs one of her students. The token black characters teach the white people how to live their lives, because that’s what black people are put on Earth for, doncha know.

My verdict: Somehow, I doubt that Tom Hanks’s character will ever say, “There’s no crying in Wal-Mart!” or “There’s no crying in community college!” so it automatically loses points. I’ll pass.

More movies starring white people behind the cut! Next up is Horrible Bosses, starring a bunch of actors I once liked, including Jason Bateman, whose choice in film roles is making me more ashamed of my love for Arrested Development than Michael Cera EVER could.

Summary: Three white guys, tired of being mistreated by their employers, decide to kill each other’s bosses. Basically, it’s Hitchcock’s Strangers on a Train, except a “comedy” instead of a suspense thriller. Also, unlike Strangers on a Train, it’s not good. Call it a hunch.

Predicted ending: The audience learns that murder is wrong, but female employers sexually harassing male employees is HILARIOUS, and male-on-male prison rape is LOLSTERICAL. Also, the “murder consultant” is a black guy, and the three white guys are intimidated by his presence. Of course they are. He’s black, so he must be scary. That’s the law.

My verdict: I’m not sure what perturbs me the most about the movie. Maybe it’s the concept in of itself that mistakes gross, icky ‘humor’ for “black comedy.” Maybe it’s the fact that the movie was written by John Francis Daley, aka sweet Sam Weir from Freaks and Geeks, and it hurts my soul to think that sweet Sam Weir grew up to write this. (I KNOW, I KNOW, characters and actors are not the same – it still hurts!) Or maybe it’s the idea of wasted potential that gets me, because I think I could really enjoy a movie where Kevin Spacey, Jennifer Aniston, and Colin Farrell played unrepentant villains. I enjoy scenery-chewing Kevin Spacey. I think Jennifer Aniston could be entertaining as a villain (as opposed to The Girlfriend, aka her stock role in most movies.) I especially think I could enjoy Colin Farrell as the sleazy used-car-salesman bad guy.

But you know what disturbs me the most about Horrible Bosses? Based on the trailer, I’m rooting for the bosses. Spacey/Aniston/Farrell may be abusive, dismissive, and sexually harassing, but Bateman/Day/Sudeikis are potential murderers who believe that they’re good guys. And if I have a choice between rooting for bad guys who OWN their bad-guyness, versus bad guys who think they’re good, I’m going for the former. But more importantly, I’m skipping this movie.

Next up is Friends with No Strings Attached, starring someone from That 70’s Show and someone from Black Swan.

Summary: Two friends start sleeping together just to get their rocks off, but are there real feelings involved?! WON’T SOMEBODY TELL ME?

Predicted ending: I’m going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing that Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis fall in love. In other news, Tuesday ends in ‘y.’

My verdict: I can tell this movie is edgy because, in this version of the trailer, Mila Kunis says “fuck” a lot. Look – I can be edgy, too! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuckerston. But in all seriousness, I have to wonder if this movie, along with No Strings with Benefits, is actually conservative propaganda disguised as an edgy film, because it kind of makes me never want to have sex again. Call me silly, but I don’t think that two people surveying each other’s naked bodies and saying, “Yeah, that’ll do,” is particularly hot. That blase attitude works for Jerry and Elaine on Seinfeld, not a romantic comedy where we’re supposed to believe the characters will end up happily ever after (OH NO DID I GIVE AWAY THE ENDING?!!!)

Finally, we have Crazy, Stupid, Love, starring the Oxford Comma:

Summary: Steve Carrell has a mid-life crisis with his wife Julianne Moore. Moore seems to have an affair with the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Carrell hooks up with Marisa Tomei. Meanwhile, Ryan Gosling is a jerk but still develops REAL FEELINGZ for Emma Stone.

Predicted ending: Steve Carrell gets his fantasy and hooks up with a couple of women before winning his wife back. Yaaay.

My verdict: I linked to the TV spot instead of the full-length theatrical trailer for two reasons: 1) When I saw the “in every generation” line, I expected to hear Anthony Stewart Head say, “…there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.” 2) I giggled at the idea of Emma Stone and Analeigh Tipton being of different “generations” when, in real life, Stone is a mere three DAYS older than Tipton.

I also roll my eyes at the idea of a teenage girl being interested in having sex with Carrell – not because I have anything against Steve Carrell (I quite like him, actually), but because it seems so textbook middle-aged male fantasy mixed with a creepy dose of American Beauty.

Having said that, I will still probably see this movie, because I looked at the names of the six actors billed in the main cast, and I like all six of them. I continue to pursue my hopeless endeavor to find a movie starring Emma Stone where I like the movie as much as I like Emma Stone’s performance in said movie. And the part of me that is shallow wants to see more of Ryan Gosling taking his shirt off.