Spring is finally here. In the lovely month of May, movie producers and scriptwriters have very kindly put together some films that will make me run screaming from the theater so I can spend more time outside! Isn’t that thoughtful of them?
First up is Thor, starring Natalie Portman and Testosterone:
Summary: Some god is kicked out of whatever godly paradise he lived in, and he comes down to Earth so he can make out with Black Swan, or something.
Predicted ending: Don’t have one, as I’m pretty sure the whole concept of “plot” is irrelevant to this movie. I will say that I was quite amused by the back-and-forth between One-Eyed Head God and Thor. “You’ve brought war and devastation to people, and you are arrogant and spoiled.” “Yeah…well…you’re OLD!” Oh yeah, great argument. Take that! If I wanted to see this, I would be rooting for One-Eyed Head God all the way.
My verdict: Idris Elba from The Wire is in this movie, but even his gorgeousness is not enough to make me sit through this. It might if he were in the title role, but that would mean casting a black actor in a role written for a white man, and we can’t have that! In Hollywood, we can only change the race of a character to white, not from white, so we can finally cast all of those underrepresented white people!
Next, we have Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, starring Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Al Swearengen from Deadwood, Penelope Cruz, and Not!Keira Knightley and Not!Orlando Bloom in the role of a little mermaid and the fresh-faced innocent-looking dude:
Summary: Captain Jack Sparrow goes on another adventure on the journey for the Land of Unnecessary Sequels and runs into Blackbeard, a Spanish female pirate, and sweaty naked mermaids. Penelope Cruz makes a comment to Captain Jack that’s just begging for a “That’s what she said.”
Predicted ending: Captain Jack probably loses the ship. Again.
My verdict: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl was a swashbuckling adventure that left me bouncing in my seat. I saw that movie in the theater seven times. (I was very bored that summer.) Then I saw Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, and it turned the PotC franchise from an exciting, funny, shallow adventure series to a turgid melodrama with un-deep deep meaning and unfunny comedy. I was so annoyed that I didn’t even bother to see the third movie, and I won’t see this one unless a friend sees it first and tells me that it’s much closer in spirit to the first one.
Next up is The Hangover: Part 2, starring Ed Helms, Bradley Cooper, and Zach Galifiakaramalamadingdong:
Summary: See the plot of The Hangover, transplanted in a different setting, with a different drug giving the characters their blackout. Replace groom with fiance’s little brother. The characters go on a journey to the Land of Unnecessary Sequels, but they’d better be careful that Captain Jack Sparrow doesn’t get there first!
Predicted ending: All’s swell that ends swell for the characters. The fiance never finds out what’s going on, because she’s a woman and doesn’t deserve her husband to be honest with her.
My verdict: I enjoyed bits of the first Hangover movie, but the experience was tainted for a few reasons. I hated that the only female characters of note were the personality-free bride, the stripper with the heart of gold, and the cheating adulterous bitch of a career woman. I also hated that this movie contributed to the rehabilitation of ear-biting rapist Mike Tyson. The jokes and plot look exactly the same as the jokes and the plot from the original, without the cuteness of Zach Galifianakasupercalifragilisticexpialadocious’s attachment to the baby, so why bother?
Finally, we have Jumping the Broom, a movie that employs an endangered species in Hollywood: black people who aren’t Tyler Perry.
Summary: An unlucky-in-love woman meets the guy of her dreams after hitting him with her car. (Uh…yeah.) They fall in love and get engaged. She comes from a rich family and he comes from a working-class family. Their mothers immediately butt heads, and conflicts regarding class and race arise.
Predicted ending: All will be well and end with a marriage and people Finding Common Ground Despite Their Differences.
My verdict: Yes, I can see the ending coming from a mile away. Yes, the romantic comedy meet-cute is forced and predictable. But I find something very charming about this trailer. The movie looks like it touches on issues of race and class, and besides, the mothers are played by Loretta Devine and Angela Bassett. I might see this one on a rainy day.
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Wow. Thor looks TERRIBLE! And I’m pretty sure One-Eyed Head God is Anthony Hopkins, which just makes me sad (mostly because I am starting to realize that AHop, while awesome in what his is awesome in, makes some *really* bad movie decisions).
I think the best thing about the PoTC franchise (save the original movie which I quite loved) is the the music. I’m pretty sure the theme is what gets about half of the audience into the theatre.
I didn’t see the Hangover (though I kind of want to). It seems to employ the “to make it funny it must be LOUD” method of comedy. So I’ll skip it.
Jumping the Broom, eh. It looks so predictable. I’ll probably skip it, but it is by far the best of the lot.
I love these posts. They are so spot on.
The PotC theme is amazing and I listened to the soundtrack ad nauseum when it came out. Perfect swashbuckling awesome!
It might if he were in the title role, but that would mean casting a black actor in a role written for a white man, and we can’t have that! In Hollywood, we can only change the race of a character to white, not from white, so we can finally cast all of those underrepresented white people!
Nick Fury from the comics.
Nick Fury from the movies.
Just sayin’.
I did not know about that. Of course, doing that much research for a post about movies I won’t be seeing, when I’m trying to make judgments based only on the trailer, would be contrary to the point. 🙂
I still maintain that the fanboy/girl world would go ‘splodey if they ever cast a black Superman, Spider-man, or Batman.
This is more nerdery than I care to admit I can remember without looking up, but in the Ultimate Marvel reboot, Nick Fury is black and drawn to look like Samuel L. Jackson, with the explicit permission of Samuel L. Jackson upon the condition that Samuel L. Jackson gets to play him in the movies. And the Ultimates have (an incredibly lazy and self-congratulatory) scene where they talk about who would play them in the movies, and Nick Fury says Samuel L. Jackson. So, he wasn’t about to be portrayed by Stephen Root. And it’s not like Fury is getting his own movie, or doing more than welding the franchises together. Since Jackson doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to do any real acting, that’s fine by me.
>I still maintain that the fanboy/girl world would go ‘splodey if they ever cast a black Superman, Spider-man, or Batman.
They did go ‘splodey over the idea that Donald Glover even thought of playing Spider-man. Various parts of the internet went ‘splodey over Idris Elba even having a minor role in Thor. (Which I will be glad when it is gone from theaters so that the dirty joke about his name finally stops playing in my head.) I’ve heard that he was cast explicitly so that white power organizations did not use the movie as a rallying cry. Presumably they will also be driven away by the possibility of Thor having a relationship with the dirty Jewess Natalie Portman.
Over a decade ago, I was involved in a forum argument about race and authenticity under the title “Peter O’Toole’s Nose.” I’m dim on precisely what it was about, but I think it was basically that the shape of his schnoz made him racially inauthentic for Lawrence of Arabia. So yeah….
There was also a huge fandom explosion in the Harry Potter world where Blaise Zabini – a character who had never been seen before Half-Blood Prince – turned out to be BLACK. *gasp* People were annoyed because a character that had only ever been mentioned by name turned out to be black, because it ruined people’s fanfiction. No, really.
My favorite response to this nonsense was an artist drawing a picture of a black girl with a huge afro wearing a Gryffindor uniform, and saying, “This is Hermione. She’s black, too. What, you didn’t know the ‘bushy hair’ description meant ‘afro’?”
Oh, come on… the nerd in me is screaming “Yupeeee”.
Though why on Earth he is portrayed as a gentleman, kissing hands and having that awesome English-ish accent?
I mean… did all those people who wrote the script take a nap at the moment when someone was explaining to them Thor’s religion?
I mean he’s the dude who dressed as a woman and married (almost) a giant. He’s far cry from a beauty and he is definitely NOT smart.
I mean what gives?
Lady, come one there is this ONE exception of when race is turned from black to white to black from white. Write that down in your journal with big red letters. 🙂
If it happened ONCE then it means that RACISM IN CASTING IS OVER FOREVER!
http://www.racebending.com/v4/featured/akira-adaptation-courts-white-actors/ – Oh, wait…
Idris Elba’s character in Thor is white in the comics.
Thanks for letting me know. My point (which I should’ve made clearer in the actual post) was that I rarely, if ever, see this type of colorblind casting for lead roles.
I don’t think anyone else thought otherwise.
My comment was that he neither looks, nor sounds nor anything actually as a NORSE person.
And he is a very far cry (far shout possibly) from NORSE GOD.
I know, I know, Marvel have established that they are their own universe with different look on things. But in the comics the character is norse and speaks Ye Olde fashion. What I don’t get is how are we supposed to believe that he is a gentleman who kisses hands of ladies since it kind of looks as if he has never been to Earth before.
As far as I am familiar with Norse mythology Valhalla is a place where people eat and fight all day long. And drink a lot.
So?
The PotC… oh, they are making a 4th???
Why?
The series flopped in the second part and they killed it with hammers when the characters were fighting each other in that wood circle – the three of them, at the same time….
I wander how the discussion went along when that jem was… invented.
No, definitely not going to see it.
I regret that I cannot tell you that PotC III was like the first. It was, unfortunately, more of the incomprehensible and faux-deep crap of the second. I was forced to watch II and III by my darling daughters. They were so bad I could not even sleep through them, which is what I usually do when a movie is crap. (Yes, I am out the $$ for the ticket, but it is the best kind of nap because the kids are not trying to wake me up.)
I’ve taken naps when taking my brothers to movies, too. But then the younger one will try to wake me up because otherwise I’ll miss it! Well, yeah. That’s the point.
I work in a movie theater, and I try not to think too hard about what movies we’re actually showing because it’s super-depressing. The last couple years were pretty exciting for movies, and 2012 looks to be not bad, but 2011 is just a dismal year for film. At our staff meeting a couple weeks ago, the boss asked us to be a little more enthusiastic when punters ask about the movies currently showing, and the unspoken thought we were all sharing was “but they’re all terrible…”
Well, which movie will it be the LEAST difficult to pretend to be excited about? 🙂
I liked the first two Pirates movies actually, the third was tedious and too many racial stereotypes( though yes, granted there were caricatures in the second two)
I didn’t even notice the caricatures in the second one because the story was so bad and the pacing so slow that I was too distracted by BOREDOM. Although, at least Norrington was entertaining in the second one.
The caricatures was mainly from that tribe that made Jack their chief and the one black woman actress.
I just read that Will Smith’s character in Men in Black was white in the comics.
And lo, racism in Hollywood and in the world was ended for the rest of time.