April Movies I Won’t Be Seeing (and One I Definitely Will)

Let’s see how the movie studios plan to help me keep my money this month.

First up is Your Highness, starring several Academy Award nominees who like to go slumming every now and then:

Summary: It’s a “satire” of a fairly tale starring Danny McBride, James Franco, Natalie Portman, and Zooey Deschanel.  (For the record, Zooey, I am most disappointed in you).  Natalie Portman is captured and James Franco and Danny McBride have to save her.

Predicted ending: In a “surprising” “twist,” Natalie Portman ends up with Danny McBride and James Franco wins the heart of Zooey Deschanel.

My verdict: There was one part of the trailer that made me giggle, and that’s when James and Danny are spying on a bathing Natalie and “freeze” so she can’t see them.  But that only made me laugh because it reminded me of Troy’s “Just pretend like you’re asleep” from Community. Other than that?  When it comes to fairy tale/quest movies, this is no The Princess Bride. It’s not even Robin Hood: Men in Tights.

Next up is Atlas Shrugged, starring…oh, who cares:

Summary: Planes, trains, and automobiles, except without the planes and the automobiles, or the fun.  In other news, greed is good and taxes are bad.

Predicted ending: We find out who John Galt is…OR NOT.  (I haven’t read the book).

My verdict: YAWN.  But it’s nice to see you again, Armin Shimerman, aka Principal Snyder from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This movie would improve tenfold if he got to say, “That’s the kind of woolly-headed liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.”

Next is Prom, from Disney:

Summary: A group of fresh-faced, no-name actors angst over the prom.  People punch each other, cry, and set things on fire.

Predicted ending: All turns out well in the end.  The losers wind up having a good time and having their first chaste kisses.  The popular kids get their just desserts.

My verdict: This honestly doesn’t look terrible, and some bits of the trailer even look charming (God help me).  I just can’t abide prom movies where teens angst over prom like it’s the biggest night of their lives.  Granted, it’s been awhile since I’ve been in high school, but prom wasn’t that big of a deal during my time there.  People liked the limos and dresses and didn’t want to go solo, but that was it.  It was just another fun night.

Finally, we have Scream 4:

Summary: The Ghostface killer is back, and Sidney Prescott, Dewey Riley, and Gale Weathers get terrorized again.  The killer has updated “rules” for the new decade of horror movies, and a new generation of starlets get murdered.

Predicted ending: I doubt Sidney’s pre-Scream past will be invoked yet again, so I really don’t know.  I do know that a lot of pretty people will die.

The verdict: The film geeks will be less charming and funny than Randy was, and the dialogue won’t be as clever as the first two movies given that Ehren Kruger was brought in to polish Kevin Williamson’s script (why?), but damned if my ass won’t be in the front seat of the movie theater on opening weekend.  OMG GALE WAS WEARING THE GHOSTFACE MASK IN ONE SCENE WHY??!!!  *munches popcorn*