March Movies I Won’t Be Seeing (And One I Might)

It’s trailer review time again!  Let’s see what movies I can ignore in March.

First up is Sucker Punch, starring a bunch of life-sized Bratz dolls:

Summary: A group of girls escape from an insane asylum where they have been imprisoned against their will, kicking ass and taking names on the way!  They also happen to be wearing next to nothing while they do this, but I’m sure that’s just a coincidence, right?

Predicting the ending: The girls win!  They beat up a bunch of bad guys while wearing fishnet stockings and not looking at all like a masturbatory twelve-year-old boy’s fantasy!

The Verdict: Dressing up young women as sex toys is the very cornerstone of feminism, isn’t it?  Oh, wait.  No, it’s not.  I’ll miss this one twice. 

Next up is Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Rodrick Rules, starring a bunch of actors who have less life and personality than the stick-figure drawings in the book the movie is based on:

Summary: A wimpy kid named Greg faces a bunch of trials and tribulations and suffers at the hands of his older brother Rodrick who, for some reason, was cast to look “cute” for a teenage girl audience despite Rodrick being kind of an ugly brute in the book.

Predicting the ending: I technically know the ending since I read the book, so I can’t comment here.

The Verdict: I tend to like it when modern young adult and teen novels get adapted for the screen because they might encourage young viewers to read the books.  In this case, though, a screen adaptation ruins the book.  The charm of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books comes from the simplicity of the stick-figure drawings.  Live action just doesn’t work for the story.

Next up is Take Me Home Tonight with Topher Grace, Anna Faris, and a blonde Kristen Stewart as people who live in 1988:

Summary: Topher Grace tries to pursue Kristen Stewart while getting some advice from gal pal Anna Faris, and wackiness ensues!

Predicting the ending: Topher Grace successfully ends up with Kristen Stewart, or finds that he doesn’t need Kristen Stewart to be happy.

The Verdict: I like Topher Grace.  I like Anna Faris.  I like fun 80s pop.  I like movies that make fun of movie cliches (see the “this can’t possibly get any worse” joke at the end).  I even don’t hate Kristen Stewart and think she makes Bella Swan less hateful in the Twilight movies than in the books.  Yet, for some reason, I feel like this movie would make me depressed.  I can’t even explain why.  I just watch it and by the end, I feel bummed.  I think it’s because I want the predictable ending in this case; I want Topher Grace and Anna Faris to realize that they’re in love and end up together, and this is one time where I think that won’t happen.

Finally, we have happythankyoumoreplease, starring a wacky cast of “indie” stars:

Summary: Quirky hipsters have quirky hipster relationships and quirky quirkiness ensues!  Oh, and it seems to take place in New York City.  Of course it does.

Predicting the ending: You can’t predict the ending!  Because it’s QUIRKY!  And QUIRKY MOVIES DEFY MAINSTREAM EXPECTATIONS!  I mean, look at the title.  It’s a run-on sentence and doesn’t have capitalization!  It’s totes e.e. cummings, y’all!

The Verdict: There are certain ingredients to this movie that should turn me off right away.  First of all, we have a privileged white male character Learn Something About Life from an underprivileged character (in this case, a young black boy).  I mean, the white guy actually blames his privileged existence and good parents for the fact that he can’t write, and the young black child agrees with him!  Errr…  There’s also the part where one of the women mentions that one of her resolutions was not to be “such a whore,” and even though she meant it sarcastically, I cringe when I hear women put themselves down like that.  Plus, you know, this movie has “overdose of QUIRKY” written all over it.

Still, there are two things that make me want to see this movie: 1) It was written and directed by Josh Radnor, and I am one of the few How I Met Your Mother fans whose favorite character is Ted, and 2) I am very intrigued by the idea of Tony Hale (aka Buster Bluth from Arrested Development) as a legitimate romantic interest.  That could be very sweet and genuine.  I’m getting a good vibe off of that subplot.  Who wants to see this with me?  We can sip non-fat soy lattes and listen to the Arcade Fire while carrying our reusable Trader Joe’s bags right after!