The Republican War on Women: Every Sperm is Sacred

This weekly linkspam is brought to you by the letter “R,” which stands for both “Republican” and “reproductive rights.”  That is the very definition of “irony,” no?

As moveon.org has pointed out, the Republican lawmakers in Congress are waging a war on women’s health.  Their actions as of late extend far beyond the typical anti-abortion stances.  They have included “forcible rape” language into one bill, changed the term “victim” to “accuser” in terms of rape, and introduced a bill that would cut all federal funding to Planned Parenthood, to name just a few.  Fortunately, they found enough money in the budget to give to NASCAR and give contraception to horses.

I have often wondered why anti-choice Republican legislators (and Democrats and independents, for that matter) do whatever they can to restrict family planning that has nothing to do with abortion.  In addition to being anti-choice, they are also anti-contraception for the most part, even though contraception will prevent most pregnancies.  They want to give more power to rapists and less to women who might become pregnant as a result of rape.  They clutch their pearls like Helen Lovejoy and scream, “Won’t somebody please think of the children?!!” but it’s clear that they prioritize the life of unborn fetuses over the lives of women.

The question is, why? Why do they want so much control over women and their bodies?

My first, cynical thought was a reactionary, “reverse sexist” one.  I thought, “Well, these people don’t care about women, but they care about unborn children, because while the children are still in the womb, they have the potential to be male children.  And if the woman is unfortunate to give birth to a girl, these girls still have the potential to grow up and bear more male children.  This also explains why they hate homosexuals; lesbians have no use for men, and gay men are wasting their potential by not making more men.”

But that was unfair of me.  In fact, that was hysterical and very female of me.

It soon hit me – the real reason why these anti-choice legislators want to control our bodies.

They’ve been watching too much Monty Python.

Witness this clip from the 1983 film, Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life:

This clip is intended to be absurdist satire, mocking the Catholic religion for their rejection of contraception.  But I think the anti-choicers in Congress watched this movie and took this scene very seriously.

Too seriously.

They watched this and began to think that every sperm was sacred.  This meant that each and every one of their sperms was sacred.  And even if they weren’t raised Catholic themselves, they all received a healthy dose of Catholic guilt.

If every sperm was sacred, they were all sinners, and every masturbatory emission they had was really a dead baby.  They felt terrible.  They decided that, one day, they would be elected to Congress and fix not only their own mistakes, but the mistakes of the rest of the world.

And thus, a gazillion pieces of anti-choice legislation were born.  Even the pieces of legislation that hadn’t fully gestated were passionately defended by the anti-choice crowd, because they believed even unborn legislation had a right to life.

It all makes sense now, doesn’t it?

Therefore, I offer a plea, and a bit of understanding, for the anti-choice legislators in Congress:

Congresspeople, I understand your confusion.  I, too, am an avid Monty Python fan, and I, too, once took the British comedy troupe’s messages to heart.  For years, I thought the Ministry of Silly Walks was a real organization and was heartbroken when they never responded to my application to join.  I tried to compete in the Upper-Class Twit of the Year show.  I used to mark every segue in a conversation with, “And now for something completely different.”  And, to confess my deepest shame, I once shot a man in a cheese shop (just to watch him die) because he didn’t have any cheddar.

Folks, I’ve been there.

But I soon realized that the Monty Python people were trying to be funny.  There wasn’t a deeper, more meaningful purpose to be found in any of their work.

So I beg of you, stop reading “Every Sperm is Sacred” as an informational, spiritual text, and start showing respect for women in your pieces of legislation.  Support Planned Parenthood, and stop giving your money to ridiculous causes like the Royal Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things.