No Means No, Mr. Collins

One of my favorite things about the BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice is the sycophantic, slimy, sweaty performance of David Bamber as Mr. Collins.  The 2005 film got a lot of “comedy” and “wacky hijinx” from Mr. Collins being, um, short (har dee har har).  This Mr. Collins is perfect.  The proposal scene is one of the funniest moments in the series.

Usually, I just watch this scene and laugh, thinking, “Oh, Mr. Collins, so clueless, such a suck-up and yet so pompous!” and then move on.  Upon rereading the book, though, this particular line leaped out at me:

“To such perseverance in willful self-deception Elizabeth would make no reply, and immediately and in silence withdrew, determined that, if he persisted in considering her repeated refusals as flattering encouragement, to apply to her father, whose negative might be uttered in such a manner as must be decisive, and whose behavior, at least, could not be mistaken for the affectation and coquetry of an elegant female.”

In other words?  Elizabeth tells Mr. Collins “no,” and he doesn’t think she means it.  He thinks she’s playing hard to get, because that’s something all women do – at least, all properly modest women, or good girls, play hard to get.  When she refuses him again, and tells them that she finds his proposal impossible to accept, he merely comments on how charming she is, but not before a) reminding her that he’s a catch with a decent income, and b) warning her that she might not receive any other marriage proposals.  Eventually, Elizabeth has to leave to appeal to her father, because she knows the only way Mr. Collins will understand that “no means no” is if he hears it from a man.

Mr. Collins is not a dangerous man.  He’s extremely pompous and arrogant with no intelligence to justify being so full of himself, but he’s not vicious, cruel, or mean-spirited. He does, however, think he understands Elizabeth better than she understands herself.  He doesn’t believe her when she gives an honest opinion, and proceeds to mansplain to her what she really feels.  Mr. Collins is following what society has taught him, that women play hard to get.  When he starts to consider that Elizabeth might be sincere in her refusal, he then tells her why she’s wrong, because society has also taught him that men know everything better than women by the mere virtue of being male.

This is a universal problem that exists even today.  I have written a very short one-act play called Denial Dude, to dramatize the problem:

MAN: I like you.  Want to go out with me?

WOMAN: Uh, no thank you.  I’m flattered, but I’m not interested.

MAN: Oh, come on.  It’ll be fun.

WOMAN: Thanks, but no thanks.

MAN: But we’ll have a good time!  I promise.  You just need to loosen up a little.

WOMAN’S BRAIN: No I don’t, you arrogant toerag.

WOMAN: No thanks.

MAN: Why don’t you want to go out with me?

WOMAN: I just got out of a really long relationship.

MAN: Oh, well, sometimes it helps to date people to get over that relationship.

WOMAN’S BRAIN: I don’t remember asking you what YOU thought I needed to get over MY relationship.

WOMAN: No thank you, I’m not interested.

MAN: Damn.  I’m a nice guy, why can’t I get laid?

WOMAN: *headdesk*

FIN.

(This short one-act play is based on the true life dating stories of myself, my roommate, my friends, my female acquaintances, and just about every woman I have ever met).

I, myself, have been on both sides of the unrequited love/attraction game.  I, myself, have openly declared my affections to people who have struck my fancy.  I have been told “no.”  I was disappointed – crushed, in fact.  But I didn’t push the issue.  Why?  Because I took these men at their word. When they told me they weren’t interested, I believed them, and dropped it.  I wrote a sad little poem in my journal and moved on.

Imagine how many awkward conversations would be avoided if we weren’t socialized to believe that women don’t mean what they say!

This is why Jane Austen’s books speak to readers, especially women, two hundred years later.  Elizabeth’s frustration in this scene is something we’re all used to feeling.  I guess things haven’t changed as much as we would have liked.

Wow.  That’s a little depressing.

In conclusion, Mr. Collins?  No means no.

Coming soon: “No Means No, Everyone in Mansfield Park.”