Read My Blog, Justin Bieber

I started this blog a few weeks ago, and since then, it’s had a decent amount of traffic.  Every day, I get a few more site hits, a few more comments, and a few more followers on Twitter.  GLAAD is even following me on Twitter now.  I’m excited about that.

However, even though I’m getting more site hits than I originally anticipated, I’m not as “searchable” as I’d like to be.  Type “funny feminist” into Google and my blog doesn’t appear anywhere on the first 10 pages.  Type “the funny feminist” and it appears near the bottom of the first page, but still lower than other blogs with similar titles, even blogs that are updated less frequently and less recently than mine.

This bothers me.  I’m glad that people are following my links when I alert them to new blog posts, but I want new readers to find me as well.  So I decided to take a look at Google’s Zeitgeist 2010: How the World Searched.  And suddenly, a story idea was born.  What started as curiosity became inspiration.  Therefore, I present to you my newest short story, “Justin Bieber and the Choice of the Charity Organization.”

Disclaimer: I do not own Justin Bieber or any other celebrity, human being, or country mentioned in this story, though I someday hope to own some of the electronics.

Justin Bieber was having a good year.  His albums were selling like hotcakes, his music videos were getting millions of hits on YouTube, and he received several award nominations for whatever song it was that he sang.  He felt quite proud of himself for achieving so much at such a young age, whatever age that was.  But he still felt empty inside.  While his music, his haircut, and his boyish charm had brought him millions of fans and all the fame and fortune he had ever wanted, the young star faced a moral dilemma like one he had never faced before: how could he have so much while so many others in the world had so little?

Then it came to him.  “That’s it!” Justin Bieber cried when he woke up one morning, before he could even brush his hair.  “I’ll put together a charity event!  I’ll invite all of my famous friends and we’ll raise money to give to a charity organization!  What a brilliant idea this is!”

Justin Bieber leaped out of bed, picked up his iPhone 4, and called many of his famous friends: Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, Kim Kardashian, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner.  Then he decided to use his brand new Nokia 5530 to call several other friends: Eminem, Kesha, and Nicki Minaj.  Then they all got on their iPads to contact their friends, and soon just about everyone in Hollywood was invited.

Soon they all gathered at Justin Bieber’s house in whatever state he lived in.  His personal chef had prepared a delicious array of different meals that he had learned from his Rachel Ray cookbook.  The celebrities all gathered around the banquet tables and helped themselves to cupcakes, Dominoes pizza, guacamole, and tudo gustoso.

“This is a great spread, Justin Bieber!” Shakira said enthusiastically.  “You should make a BlackBerry app just for all the great food you cook!”

“Thank you, fellow recording artist Shakira,” said Justin Bieber.  “I’m glad you all are enjoying the food.  But now we need to talk about some serious business.  There are a lot of problems in the world today.  We should all pool together our money and fame and use it for good.  We should use our influence on young people and the rest of the world.  Don’t you agree?”

Justin Bieber’s call to action was met with an energetic “Huzzah!” from the crowd.  Everyone seemed happy to help – all but one.

Justin Bieber immediately noticed the one person who remained quiet.  “Actress and star of the Transformers films Megan Fox,” he said, noticing the pretty movie star standing in the corner by herself.  “You don’t agree?”

Megan Fox shook her head solemnly as she swallowed her bite of her Jimmy Johns sandwich.  When she finished digesting her food, she finally spoke.  “While your philanthropic desire and efforts are indeed admirable,” she said, “one must consider the plethora of serious problems existing on our planet today.  We, despite our veritable influence, cannot hope to solve them all.  We should focus on one charitable organization to direct our energy.”

Justin Bieber could not ignore the wisdom of Megan Fox’s words, but he was stumped about how to reply.

“I think we should do something charitable for the Gulf oil spill,” offered Eminem.  “I was talking about it the other day on chatroulette.”

“That’s a great idea,” said Lady Gaga.  “I’ll wear a dress made out of oil for the occasion.”

“Wait a minute,” said Selena Gomez.  “The Gulf oil spill is a serious problem, but there are still many people suffering from the effects of the Haiti earthquake.  Maybe we should focus on that instead.”

“That’s a great idea,” said Lady Gaga.  “I’ll make a dress out of pieces of broken buildings!”

“Then you’ll be a Brick House!” gushed Katy Perry.

They all laughed at Katy Perry’s delightful pun, but then returned to the dilemma at hand.

“I think we should try to focus on global diseases,” suggested Robert Pattinson.  “When I was watching the World Cup in South Africa this year, there were a lot of public service announcements about global diseases.  Did you know that whooping cough, cholera, appendicitis, and Vitamin D deficiency still cause many deaths every year?”

“Not to mention all the problems caused by the McDonald’s nutrition – or lack thereof,” added Taylor Lautner.  He and Robert Pattinson smiled at each other and high-fived, and Justin Bieber thought it was lovely that in real life, Edward and Jacob were the best of friends.

“I can wear a dress made out of nothing but Happy Meal’s toys,” Lady Gaga suggested.

Justin Bieber was losing his patience with Lady Gaga.  “Miss Germanotta,” he huffed, “stop trying to call attention to yourself.  We’re trying to save the world here!”

Lady Gaga fixed him with a cool glare.  “If you bothered to pay attention to any of my suggestions, Justin Bieber,” she said angrily, “you’ll notice that all of them have to do with recycling otherwise useless materials.  I believe we should direct our efforts into saving the environment.”

Justin Bieber was stumped.  It was true, indeed, that Lady Gaga was showing herself to be quite the environmentalist.  Perhaps he had misjudged her.

“Maybe we should try to raise awareness about Asperger’s syndrome,” said Kim Kardashian.

“I can wear a dress made out of meat…” Lady Gaga began.

“You did that already,” Eminem said wearily.

“I wasn’t finished,” Lady Gaga said haughtily.  “I’ll wear a dress made out of meat from animals slaughtered in abbatoirs designed by Temple Grandin.”

“Temple Grandin?  You mean the autistic woman played admirably by Claire Danes in the critically acclaimed made-for-TV movie?” Kesha gushed.

“The very same!”

Nicki Minaj piped up for the first time.  “Maybe we should direct our efforts towards a feminist organization. We can put up a website.”  But her idea was quickly silenced, as everyone thought that feminism was a worthy cause, but wouldn’t get enough site hits.

Then Justin Bieber had the best idea of all.  “I’ve got it!” he cried, pounding his fist on the table.  “Why don’t we give everything we have to the Red Cross?  They can always use the money!”

It was so obvious.  Everyone, especially Megan Fox, was shocked they hadn’t thought of it before.  But Justin Bieber clearly had the best idea of all.  They put together a great concert, filled with musical performances and acting monologues, and raised ten billion dollars for the Red Cross, ending all of the world’s problems forever.  Justin Bieber was elected the very first President of the World, and he and his celebrity friends all went to Applebee’s to celebrate.

THE END.